Mind Jokes

How do you annoy a computer person with a problem?

Never mind, I figured it out.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

What do you call a person that ran away but changed their minds?

Canteloupe

What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

What did the elevator say to the stairs?

Never mind, I'll escalator

What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

Is there a dog?

What do I think about my toes?

They couldn't be further from my mind.

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!

Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant?

There are just too many pastabilities!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Whats happening?

FB=Whats on your mind FourSquare= Where am I Quora=what Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me

Which service do you require?

Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.

Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?

I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.

Why did your car just spin around in circles?

Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

Curses, foiled again!

Why does Daenerys Targaryen listen to Hoagy Carmichael?

Because she's got Jorah on Her Mind.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude"olph

Why was the hamster a bad Supreme Court Justice?

Because his mind was always on a pellet.

Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?

He was just minding his Ps and Qs.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What will you have, Sir?

Bacon my day, sonny!" Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works

What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

One trains the mind the other minds the train.

What's on your mind?

It's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train the other trains the mind.

When is your mind like a rumpled bed?

When it isn't made up yet.

Why was the monster standing on his head?

He was turning things over in his mind.

What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind?

That people exaggerate.

How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

What sort of answer did you have in mind None-just assume it's changed.

Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?

Never mind. It's pointless.

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind...it's tearable

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Want to hear my pizza joke?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybe.

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Conductor Jokes More Conductor Jokes

What job do you never stop training for?

Conductor

What do you call a drummer who has lost one of his drumsticks?

A conductor.

Dinner Jokes More Dinner Jokes

What do you call an empty town after dinner?

Desserted

Why are football players never asked for dinner?

Because they're always dribbling!

Share Jokes More Share Jokes

Why don't lobsters ever share anything?

Because they're shellfish

Why didn't crab and lobster like to share?

They were both two shellfish

Train Jokes More Train Jokes

Why can trains go for longer than cars?

Because cars get tyred but trains do not, with the exception of Rubber-tyred metro systems.

What job do you never stop training for?

Conductor

Attract Jokes More Attract Jokes

Why do people buy smart cars?

Because opposites attract.

Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?

One in Fife

What did the power ranger-turned-addict say?

It's morphine time!

Spock Jokes More Spock Jokes

What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom?

The Captain's Log.

What did Spock find in the Enterprises's toilet?

The captain's log!

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

How is it May already?

Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.