Mind Jokes

How do you annoy a computer person with a problem?

Never mind, I figured it out.

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What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

What did Terry-Thomas say before giving oral?

I say, Mind the gap

What do we do now?

He said never mind we'll walk.

What do you call a person that ran away but changed their minds?

Canteloupe

What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

How is your job and your wife different?

I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done

What did the elevator say to the stairs?

Never mind, I'll escalator

What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

Is there a dog?

What do I think about my toes?

They couldn't be further from my mind.

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What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?

Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!

Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant?

There are just too many pastabilities!

Whats happening?

FB=Whats on your mind FourSquare= Where am I Quora=what Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me

Which service do you require?

Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.

Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?

Because they've got a lot on their mind.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind. 2. No business.

What would Caitlyn Jenner need to do if she changed her mind about being a woman?

She would need to reJennerate some balls. What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out Bruce's up for the evening.

Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?

I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.

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Whatcha doin?

Papa would say, "I'M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS." Best advice ever.

Why did your car just spin around in circles?

Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

What was the first thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 victims?

Their knees! Please comment "No"

What did the man say to the priest at the beach?

Do you mind getting out of my son.

What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

Curses, foiled again!

Why does Daenerys Targaryen listen to Hoagy Carmichael?

Because she's got Jorah on Her Mind.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude"olph

What do you call a Republican fashion director?

Clothed minded

Why was the hamster a bad Supreme Court Justice?

Because his mind was always on a pellet.

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Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?

He was just minding his Ps and Qs.

What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?

Second Caribou: A maybee.

What will you have, Sir?

Bacon my day, sonny!" Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works

What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

One trains the mind the other minds the train.

What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Mind if I Slytherin

What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?

Hiking

What's on your mind?

It's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train the other trains the mind.

When is your mind like a rumpled bed?

When it isn't made up yet.

What color should I get?

Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.

Why was the monster standing on his head?

He was turning things over in his mind.

Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

What's the difference between a shopping cart and a radical feminist?

A shopping cart will, on occasion, exhibit a mind of it's own

What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

I love the pokey, mon.

What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind?

That people exaggerate.

How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

What sort of answer did you have in mind None-just assume it's changed.

Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?

Never mind. It's pointless.

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind...it's tearable

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Want to hear my pizza joke?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybe.

You might also enjoy:

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Who is the prettiest of my friends?

Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message?

To e or not to e that is the question.

Attract Jokes More Attract Jokes

Why are all the ladies attracted to Voldemort?

Because of his hex appeal.

What do Canadian women put behind their ears to attract men?

Their ankles!

Peke Jokes More Peke Jokes

What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

What did the perverted sauce say to the Chinese Ribs?

I'm only Peking.

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

Why did NBC add the Michael J. Fox Show to its line-up?

To shake things up on network tv.

What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common?

They both know when it's time to turn things over.

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?

He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*

How did he die?

The rock is kyptonite and the man is Superman.

Teacher Jokes More Teacher Jokes

What do you call a teacher who's always late for school?

Mr Bus.

Where are you and Mom going tonight?

Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

Adele Jokes More Adele Jokes

Why did Adele cross the street?

To say hello.... From the other side.

Why did Adele leave the house?

So she could say Hello from the outside.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?

He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across.

Why did the blond get fired from the boomerang factory?

She threw away all the bent ones. Why did she get re-hired They all came back.