Putin Jokes

Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

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What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the Olympic Games?

To be put out.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place.

What does Putin say during his New Year's speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

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What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did Russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

Because hes Russian (rush-en)

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Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But I don't know how they got in there.

Vladimir Putin Jokes More Vladimir Putin Jokes

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast?

Head Russian...

What is Vladimir Putin's favourite subject?

Computin science

Turkey Jokes More Turkey Jokes

Why was the Turkey v Germany match called off?

There were too many fowls.

What's the Turkish version of court packing?

Turkey stuffing

Life Jokes More Life Jokes

How's my life?

Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".

Why do the bald seem to handle life so much better than the rest?

They're always eager for more on their pate.

Word Jokes More Word Jokes

What body of water separates Italy from the word 'goodbye'?

River Derci. Sorry.

Why did the librarian hush the mime?

Because actions speak louder than words.

Place Jokes More Place Jokes

What'd they call that place with the collection of escape artist memorabilia?

Now museum, now you don't

Where did AT&ampT get their 2007 slogan?

Ireland: More bars in more places

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens?

The SALT talks!

What is the most painful Russian dance?

Tchaikovsky's.

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas