Putin Jokes

Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

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What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the Olympic Games?

To be put out.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place.

What does Putin say during his New Year's speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

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What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did Russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

Because hes Russian (rush-en)

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Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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How many governments does it take to make an Egyptian happy?

I'll let you know when I find out...

Why didn't Wilma let Fred in when he was banging at the door?

Because she was in the shower and didn't hear him because the elephant stump was on full blast.

Lose Jokes More Lose Jokes

What did the snail say when his friend lost his car?

Where did Es-car-go.

What do you call a lost crayon?

A Strayola

Computin Jokes More Computin Jokes

What is Vladimir Putin's favourite subject?

Computin science

What is Vladimir's computer always doing?

ComPutin

Foreplay Jokes More Foreplay Jokes

How do Muslims do foreplay?

They tickle the goat on the chin.

Olympic Game Jokes More Olympic Game Jokes

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the Olympic Games?

To be put out.

Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the Olympic Games?

All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?

He was following the Tsar.

Why couldn't the NSA agent leave the Russian airport?

Because he got Snowden!

U. S. Jokes More U. S. Jokes

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?

Because it's indivisible.

How much liquid can Monica Lewinskys mouth hold?

One U.S. Liter

Life Jokes More Life Jokes

What's life like in the year 3000?

It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff...