Putin Jokes

What did Hillary say when she lost?

Putin end to my life.

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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the olympic games?

To be put out.

What do you call a weird Russian?

Off-Putin.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine?

Crimea river

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?

Crimea River.

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

What does Putin say during his New Year's speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

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Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine?

Cri-me-a river!

What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?

Amputin

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

Because hes Russian (rush-en)

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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Let Jokes More Let Jokes

What do you tell a man with two black eyes?

Nothing, he's been told twice already. (And be cool, if you get the reference keep quiet and let em wonder.)

How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house?

He's still there.

End Jokes More End Jokes

How do you get a Samsung owner to throw their phone out the window?

End your text with "this message will self destruct in 10 seconds"

What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?

Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Thanksgiving Jokes More Thanksgiving Jokes

Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend?

Because they're both roasted

Who's the only one who doesn't say thanks on Thanksgiving?

The Turkey.

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

What did Little Bo Peep say to Woody when she got caught screwing Buzz?

You got a friend in me.

Turkey Jokes More Turkey Jokes

Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe?

They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.

Why does Russia not celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

Lose Jokes More Lose Jokes

Why is a redneck wedding and a tornado alike?

Because either way someone is losing a trailer.

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!

Winter Jokes More Winter Jokes

What's the opposite of a somersault?

A winter pepper.

Why is it better to date a woman with heavy thighs during the winter?

Your ears stay warmer.

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

Why did Misty want to sleep with Brock?

She saw his Onix harden.

What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

They're used to disappointment.