Scientist Jokes

It is not like that anywhere else. It is not like people studying science claim that they are already scientists. Or people studying the arts say they are unemployed.

How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, I'm no scientist

What did the scientist see when he looked up his family tree?

A gorilla pooped on his face.

What did the scientist say at the bar?

I'd like some H20 please.

How did Chernobyl disaster happen?

Scientist A: Are you sure? scientist B: Trust me, I know what i'm doing.

What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate?

OH NO!

How do scientists celebrate Pirate Day?

They get their Aaargh-On!

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Why do scientists call Helium, Barium and Curium the medical elements?

Because if you can't Helium or Curium, You'd Barium!

What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist?

Pronounce this word: unionized

Why did the scientist take off his doorbell?

Because he wanted to win the "Nobel" prize!

What do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist?

Dill Rye

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.

What did the scientists say when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's what interns are for.

What'd the scientist say to the man who was frozen to absolute zero?

Are you 0K

What do you do when a scientist dies?

You barium! ba-dum-tss

Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?

What are our scientists doing

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What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

How many scientists it takes to change a lightbulb?

None *et al.*

Why do scientists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?

Because, if you can't helium or curium, you'd barium!

What did the scientist say after discovering the medicinal content of homeopathic remedies?

0mg!!!!

What do you call a scientist that measures things in space?

A cosmetrologist.

How does a scientist make a hormone?

The same way I do: don't pay her!

Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%?

It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!

Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$k dogs?

In the lab.

What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military?

Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they research everything.

How did the scientist like his guacamole?

With lots of Avogadro!

How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Significantly more than zero, *p* < .001.

What did the scientist who got attacked by sodium chloride say?

That's a salt!

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

The scientists were brainstorming.

How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills?

They're always looking for Grant money.

Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell?

Because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!! Sorry, I ll walk out

Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?

Because they were for test porpoise only

What do scientists solve?

Che-mysteries!

Why are quantum physicists the kinkiest of all scientists?

They have the ability to penetrate both holes at the same time. explanation(http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slitexperiment)

Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

How does a scientist freshen their breath?

With experi-mints!

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How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman?

Well, there is a vast difference.

How can you double your money?

Look at it in a mirror.

Inspire Jokes More Inspire Jokes

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

What's the difference between a feminist and a battery?

Batteries have a positive side! inspired by: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zlrot/howmanyfeministsdoesittaketochangea/

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

Why did Tomoe Mami die?

She got ahead of herself.

Why are most cemeteries fenced in?

Because everyone is dying to get in

Fail Jokes More Fail Jokes

Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost?

He got lost in the maize.

What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's an obscure number, you have probably never heard of it.

How many Dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just 1, but It'll take 7 episodes for him to do it.

Computer Scientist Jokes More Computer Scientist Jokes

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a hardware problem

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Search Jokes More Search Jokes

Why haven't we found aliens yet?

Because they are searching for intelligent life too.

What do you call a search for small guitars?

Uke hunt!

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?

UCLA

What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk