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Let Jokes

What did the two rednecks say after breaking up?

Let's just be cousins.

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What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?

Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?

How many Gordon Ramseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, he lets the knives do the work

Why is there no "Lets settle this like women"?

Because it lasts forever.

Why didn't Wilma let Fred in when he was banging at the door?

Because she was in the shower and didn't hear him because the elephant stump was on full blast.

What should you do when freedom calls?

Let it ring.

What do you call a physicist who makes lets play videos?

Quarkiplier

Who wouldn't let the gorilla in the ballet?

Just... the person responsible for making those decisions...

What's the difference between a baby and a kilo of Coke?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo fall out of a window

What did the ghost say to the other ghost at the Halloween party?

Let's get sheet-faced!

How can you tell if someone is schizophrenic?

I'll let my friend answer that one:

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Why shouldn't you let the scientists have an antelope?

They'll turn it into a bombardeer

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing! They just WAVED. SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Let MINNOW if you are not getting it. SHELL I continue?? No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead. Thanks ladies and gentlefish

Why didn't Noah let the Tasmanian devil in?

He was not an archdevil.

What did the string say when the rope proposed marriage?

Let's knot.

Which street does the police officer live in?

Let's be Avenue

What is 1 + 1"?

The mathematician says "2" The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1" The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?

Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!

Why did the cat befriend the dog?

Because the dog let the cat out of the bag!!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Lets go play on our bikes.

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Who Let The Dogs Out?

Ramsay Bolton.

What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

Let Meowt!!!!

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

Robin, let's get in the Batmobile." Bonus joke: What did one orphan say to the other orphan as they got into their car? "Robin, let's get in the Batmobile."

What does an American actor say when going to Europe?

Let's go PAL.

Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?

It was a no buena My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!

Why was the girl with the Frozen balloon sad?

Because she...let it go!

What did Sushie A say to Sushi B?

Wasa-B! Let's roll.

What did the urologist say to his physician before he hired him?

URINE.

What color are mirrors?

I don't know, let's reflect on this.

What did adam say to eve?

Let's save humanity.

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What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

Why was Harry Potter hufflepuffed after his date with Hermione?

She wouldn't let his ravenclaw slytherin her Gryffindor.

How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

What did the penny say to the other penny?

Let's get together and make some cents.

How many dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just let it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

What's the one movie that Rick Astley won't let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up.

Who let the docs out?

Google. Google docs.

Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy

Why is it called Justice League of America?

Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)

Why should you never stand behind Elsa from Frozen?

You never know when she'll Let it Go.

How do you know if you're a bogan?

You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

What is the difference between a garbanzo beans and a chickpea?

I would never let a garbanzo bean in my mouth.

What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?

I'm not letting you cook dinner again

What was the statistician's fetish?

Let's just say he had the standard deviation.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child?

Eric Clapton would never let a small bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Why are people in Silicon Valley better coders than others?

Because of their proximity to the

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

She'll let it go!

What is the difference between a 2 year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

4:30pm It let's you out of work a bit early with a valid excuse

What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them?

The lanlord!

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

What did the cat say to the prison guard?

Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!

What did the cat say to the correctional officer?

Let MEOWWWWWOUT!!

What did the stone say to the hill?

Let's Rock and Roll.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will "Let It Go.

Why was Herbert Hoover such a controversial president?

Because he never let the dust settle.

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

What happened to the boy-band member who dropped the soap In the prison shower?

Let's just say that his backstreet went more than One Direction.

How do cats let us know that they are in pain?

Me...........Owwwwww!!

How do you spot a vegan at a party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?

Let's hang.

What do you get when you cross a garden, a rabbit, and some ExLax?

For the love of everything sacred on reddit please do not make me actually key the answer....okay, let's say it together, "Salad Shooter".

What did the farmer tell the hoe?

Let's get dirty.

What did Anna Freud let her underwear show?

It was a Freudian slip

Why did the pirate have to change wenches?

His old one wouldn't let him swab her poop deck.

How do you make a pheromone?

Let his people go!

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

What do buccaneers let off on bonfire night?

Piratechnics!

What do you get when ant's parents won't let him marry his girlfriend?

Antelopes.

Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?

Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.

How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house?

He's still there.

What did one wall say to the other wall?

Let's meet up in the corner.

What does Delia Smith say when she wants to fight a road?

Let's be avenue.'

What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?

He got fired.

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing?

Let's just say he felt overall sadness.

Why did Florence Welch sing 'Sweet Nothing'?

Because she was out of lemo-nada. It's okay guys

What do you with a crazy girl knocking on your door?

You don't let her out.

How do you know if there's an athiest on a reddit thread?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train?

Because they're poor conductors! (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)

What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?

HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot?

Let me be your *soil*mate

Which one do you let in?

The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water?

Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.

Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll "Let it go! Let it go!" This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.

Who let them out?

I PAID GOOD MONEY TO IMPRISON THEM

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads?

She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

What did 6 say to 9?

Baby! Let's do a 69.

How many ADD's does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go fishing

How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn?

China probably can pop corn in one minute.

Why are you here?

And Elsa answers: "Because they don't let me go."

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine &amp a small child?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let's not rush things, OK

Why did the snail cross the road?

It is not clear yet, let it cross the road first. Update: It has been confirmed that it was to meet the Chicken who crossed the road earlier.

What did one pig say to the other?

Let's be pen pals!

Which do you let in first?

Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.

What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean?

I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.

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Coffin Jokes More Coffin Jokes

What did one casket say to the other?

Is that you coffin?

Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..?

He was tired of coffin.

Batmobile Jokes More Batmobile Jokes

What did one orphan said to the other?

Robin, get in the batmobile! (credits to)

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

Get in, Robin.

5 Year Old Jokes More 5 Year Old Jokes

What's the difference between a 5 year old kid and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.

Phone Jokes More Phone Jokes

What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash?

Tele-Scope.

What did the phone say to the other phone after a bad rejection?

If you like it then you shudda put a ringtone on it.

Orphan Jokes More Orphan Jokes

Why don't orphans play baseball?

They have no home to run to

Why is Simba an orphan?

Because his dad couldn't Mufasa 'nuff

Boy Jokes More Boy Jokes

What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?

Lonely

Why do think that?

The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

Fire Jokes More Fire Jokes

Why did the farmer's house catch on fire?

He left his home on the range.

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

Replace Jokes More Replace Jokes

What replaces Steam, the gaming platform, in China?

Pollution.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!