Sleep Jokes

How can you shorten a bed?

Don't sleep long in it.

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What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga?

You poke poke poker face

What's the longest you've stayed in bed?

I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke

What does a cat sleep on?

A caterpillow.

What's the best rock to sleep on?

Bed rock

What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?

Lazy bones.

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

What do you call a person who sleeps next to dead bodies at night?

Morgue Attendant

Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept for.

Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

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What famous band sleeps the least?

Slipknot

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative?

Napkin.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?

A stega-snore-us.

Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

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Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Why did I join Twitter?

Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.

What do bees do if they don't want to drive?

Wait at the buzz stop.

People Jokes More People Jokes

Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?

To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.

What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?

A poultry-geist.

Lecture Jokes More Lecture Jokes

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

What did the vegan give the homeless guy?

A lecture.

Snake Jokes More Snake Jokes

What's long green and goes hith?

A snake with a lisp!

What is the difference between an apple and an orange?

None, the two are not a snake

Redditor Jokes More Redditor Jokes

Why do redditors make such good fencers?

They're used to dealing with ripostes.

How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

Bed Jokes More Bed Jokes

What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

What does Green Day say before bed?

Green night

1 Jokes More 1 Jokes

How many black metalheads does it take to change a light bulb?

100. 1 to change the light bulb and the other 99 to complain about how the old light bulb was much better.

How much is the bare minimum?

1 bear.