Snake Jokes

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

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What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

Why don't snakes have legs?

Because otherwise they'd be lizards.

What is a Snake in a Cage?

The tale of a rat.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A thon

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Why did Snake walk into the bar?

Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

What do snakes take to combat their allergies?

Anti-hissss-tamines!

What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye alright in the back there lads?

What do snakes take for their sniffles?

Antihissssstamines!

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Why was the snake soft?

He had reptile dysfunction.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe!

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese?

Thanks I'll just have a sliver!

What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff?

Baa-Dum-Sss

What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?

Windshield vipers.

What snakes are good at sums?

Adders!

What kind of snake is good at math?

An adder.

What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car?

A windshield viper.

What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake?

You can make a pet out of a snake!

What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake?

Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.

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What did the snake say when another asked him the time?

Don't asp me!

Why are snakes hard to fool?

They have no legs to pull!

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?

A boar constrictor!

What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog?

A fangfurter!sna

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What subject are snakes good at school?

Hiss-tory!

Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan?

Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.

What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen?

A viper!

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

Why don't snakes like Vitamin C?

Because it's an anti-hisstamine.

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What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane?

A boeing constrictor

What do you say when you step on a snake?

Well that bites.

What's a good movie?

Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about " Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

What did the snake say to the cornered rat?

Hiss is the end of the line for you!

Why don't snakes have balls?

Because hardly any of them know how to dance.

What song to snakes like to sing?

Viva Aspana!

What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes?

A corn snake

What did one snake say to another?

Hiss off!

What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set?

A boa constructor!

What is the difference between an apple and an orange?

None, the two are not a snake

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?

It has a rattle.

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog?

A fangfurther.

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

With love and hisses.

Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching?

Because he had his own scales!

What's long green and goes hith?

A snake with a lisp!

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?

Thank you I'll just have a slither.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

What do you call a snake that likes history?

A HISSStorian.

Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake?

Because snakes make lots of strikes.

What sort of perfume do snakes prefer?

Poison by Christian Dior!

What do snakes have on their bath towels?

Hiss and Hers!

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

What is an ark?

2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?

Addercadabra and abradacobra!

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?

Fang mail.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A thon

Why do we measure snakes in inches?

Because they don't have any feet!

What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering?

A Boa Constructor

What snake do get when cross a calculator with a steam engine?

A puff-adder

Why can't you trust snakes?

They speak with forked tongues!

What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?

A momma's boa.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?

Snakes and Larders!sna

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply"?

They couldn't they were adders!

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?

Fang letters!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?

('A jump rope')

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Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan?

Take their little stones and brooms away!

How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you

Reptile Dysfunction Jokes More Reptile Dysfunction Jokes

Why did the T-Rex go extinct?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction.... Okay bye now

Cross Jokes More Cross Jokes

How do American chickens cross the road?

In a bucket.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican cholo and an ill tempered Irishman?

A surprisingly stable person according to my Homie O'Statis.

Pick Jokes More Pick Jokes

How many pick-up artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero. They just keep praising and negging it, and then get upset when it doesn't screw.

Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?

So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.

St. Patrick Jokes More St. Patrick Jokes

What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?

He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together

Nose Jokes More Nose Jokes

What do you call a nose that can see into the future?

Nostrildamus

What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding?

Nothing, he already said it twice.

Native Americans Jokes More Native Americans Jokes

What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

What do Plains Native Americans have in common with moderately sized sea dwelling mammals?

For all in tents and porpoises, they're constantly moving.

Foot Jokes More Foot Jokes

Why did the foot smile?

He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.

What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail?

A foot long