Snake Jokes

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

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What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

Why don't snakes have legs?

Because otherwise they'd be lizards.

What is a Snake in a Cage?

The tale of a rat.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A thon

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Why did Snake walk into the bar?

Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

What do snakes take to combat their allergies?

Anti-hissss-tamines!

What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye alright in the back there lads?

What do snakes take for their sniffles?

Antihissssstamines!

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Why was the snake soft?

He had reptile dysfunction.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe!

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese?

Thanks I'll just have a sliver!

What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff?

Baa-Dum-Sss

What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?

Windshield vipers.

What snakes are good at sums?

Adders!

What kind of snake is good at math?

An adder.

What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car?

A windshield viper.

What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake?

You can make a pet out of a snake!

What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake?

Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.

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What did the snake say when another asked him the time?

Don't asp me!

Why are snakes hard to fool?

They have no legs to pull!

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?

A boar constrictor!

What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog?

A fangfurter!sna

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What subject are snakes good at school?

Hiss-tory!

Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan?

Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.

What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen?

A viper!

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

Why don't snakes like Vitamin C?

Because it's an anti-hisstamine.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane?

A boeing constrictor

What do you say when you step on a snake?

Well that bites.

What did the snake say to the cornered rat?

Hiss is the end of the line for you!

What song to snakes like to sing?

Viva Aspana!

What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes?

A corn snake

What did one snake say to another?

Hiss off!

What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set?

A boa constructor!

What is the difference between an apple and an orange?

None, the two are not a snake

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?

It has a rattle.

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog?

A fangfurther.

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

With love and hisses.

Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching?

Because he had his own scales!

What's long green and goes hith?

A snake with a lisp!

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?

Thank you I'll just have a slither.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

What do you call a snake that likes history?

A HISSStorian.

Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake?

Because snakes make lots of strikes.

What sort of perfume do snakes prefer?

Poison by Christian Dior!

What do snakes have on their bath towels?

Hiss and Hers!

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

What is an ark?

2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?

Addercadabra and abradacobra!

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?

Fang mail.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A thon

Why do we measure snakes in inches?

Because they don't have any feet!

What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering?

A Boa Constructor

What snake do get when cross a calculator with a steam engine?

A puff-adder

Why can't you trust snakes?

They speak with forked tongues!

What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?

A momma's boa.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?

Snakes and Larders!sna

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply"?

They couldn't they were adders!

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?

Fang letters!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?

('A jump rope')

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What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

One knows the stops the other stops the nose.

What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon?

The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.

Foot Jokes More Foot Jokes

What has webbed feet and fangs?

Count Quackula.

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet?

By crawling to the counter " GET OUT

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

The sky's the limit for you".

Where's Finnick?

Odair he is!

Headmaster Jokes More Headmaster Jokes

Why was the headmaster worried?

Because there were too many rulers in school!

What do you call someone with a large head?

The headmaster.

Charm Jokes More Charm Jokes

What is Hannibal Lecter's favorite Jane Austen quote?

There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart."**

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

Drive Jokes More Drive Jokes

When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

Answer "Scissors." then drive away..

Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

Snake Charmer Jokes More Snake Charmer Jokes

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

What do snake charmers do in the rain?

Turn on their windshield vipers.

Lot Jokes More Lot Jokes

What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

How many dogs does it take to count 14 plates?

14, maybe 15, but only if the plates... 'run around a lot!'