Talk Jokes

What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?

I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

What does a parrot named Larry talk about?

Vocabulary

What is it called when you sleep talk about your subconscious feelings?

A Freudian Sleep.

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How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them?

They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.

What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?

Lonely

How did the elephant get into the room?

We don't talk about it...

Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

So he wouldn't talk in his sleep

Why is that whenever we talk about Pokémon, we sing the theme song?

Because I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.

What did the banana say to the hippo?

Nothing bananas can't talk.

What do prisoners used to talk to each other in jail?

Cell Phones.

How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.

Which is the month in which women talk the least?

February... because it has the least number of days

What do fish talk about at work?

Current events

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What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?

A topical rainforest.

Why is trigonometry so hard to talk about?

You always end up going off onto tangents.

Why did the clam get in an accident?

He was talking on his shellphone.

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a Luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

What do you call it when you talk to God?

Praying. Now what do you call it when God talks to you? Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.

What do you say to a crazy person who's talking to themselves?

Hey, the person you're talking to said to give me a few bucks.

What did the banana say to the orange?

Fruit can't talk

Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper?

Because you lose every time you talk about him ()

What did the tuba say to the clarinet?

Nothing, instruments don't talk.

Why are none talking in the ladies sauna?

They are sitting on their lips!

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How do you know you're talking to a pilot?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full?

He is so misunderstood.

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

Why can nobody understand sausages when they talk???

Because they speak in tongs. I'll show myself the door

What's the difference between an introverted physicist and an extroverted physicist?

An extroverted physicist looks at shoes when they're talking to you.

How do you make a buff guy talk to you for hours?

Ask about his routine.

What happens when Jack is angry with his beans?

Jack and the beans talk

What did one coconut say to the other?

Oh my god a talking coconut!

What do you call rude fungi?

Shiit-talking mushrooms

What is headache?

5 minutes talk to wife.

What will ESPN talk about if both the Hawks and Rockets make it to the NBA final?

The NHL playoffs

What is so ironic about Atheists?

They're always talking about God.

Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?

Because he's a cross product.

What did the pastry from Denmark say to the pastry from Norway?

Hey, I'm Danish. JK they're pastries, they can't talk.

What did Jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?

Yall nailed it.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. 1 to screw it in and 2 to talk about how much better Neil Peart could've done it

How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and another to talk about how complicated it was.

What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road?

Dodged-a-Rango

Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos?

They'll B flat

How many controlled oposition does it take to change a light bulb?

None you know of. Since they signed a Non Disclosure Agreement to not talk about it.

What joke did Drake get when talking to diddy?

The punchline

Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point!

How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are?

They're the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.

What did the mathematician and the dentist talk about?

Calculus

How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?

You talk to him!

What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity?

A cognac

How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted?

He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Why don't taxi drivers talk to each other?

They already know everything.

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert?

He looks at shoes when he's talking to you.

How would a pirate describe navigating Reddit on Talk like a Pirate Day?

Arduous.

How do you know you're talking to a sales guy?

He says "I'm not a sales guy".

What's the deal with my laptop?

I'm sitting there typing and the battery drains, does this ever happen to you? So this little message pops up: Plug in or find another power source. Do you get that message? What other power source are they talking about? Well, I can't find that cable, so I'll go ahead and plug in to the hamster wheel generator I keep just in case. That's my other power source.

Why was the heroin dealer arrested at the basketball game?

He was talking smack.

Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?

Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

How did the Italian die?

Talking while driving.

How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb?

They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.

Why do American tourists talk so loudly?

So that they can hear each other over their clothes

What do you call a little person who can talk to ghosts and just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

Why did the pony have such a hard time talking?

He was a little horse

Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

Doctor Dolittle

What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!

How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?

One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.

How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?

He stares at shoes while he talks to you.

What do Jimmy Saville's victims and Aston Villa fans have in common?

They're still talking about what happened in 1982.

How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?

Talk in your sleep.

What did the deaf Canadian say to the American that was talking?

Eh?

How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.

What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

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