Turtle Jokes

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

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What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeee!

How did the turtle call his friends?

On his shellphone

What do you call a turtle without its shell?

Dead.

How do turtles communicate?

With shell phones.

What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring?

They conducted an in-turtle investigation.

Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?

Exactly where you left it.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

A slow poke.

What's green and has four wheels?

A turtle. I was lying about the wheels

What did the snail on the turtles back say?

WEEEEEEEEEE!

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What did one turtle say to the other eel?

Hahaha hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What did the Alligator say to the turtle?

Can I bayou a drink?

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?

He went to the Shell station.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation?

A radical equation.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle?

Weeeeeeeeee

What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle?

Wheeee!

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What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone?

A Snapping Turtle

How's your love life?

Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.

What did the snail say when put on top of a turtle?

Weeeeeeeeeeee

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

What did the snail say when he rode a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

What batteries do turtles use?

Durashells

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a turtle?

A slowpoke!

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shellfies!

Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I'm a plumber

What do turtles do for fun?

Play hide and shell.

What do you call Dana Carvey standing on the back of Dana Carvey?

Turtles all the way down

What do you call a malady effecting reproduction in turtles?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

What does a snail riding on a turtles back say?

WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

A. Wheeeee!!!!!

What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?

A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because turtles have such small ears

Why are turtles dangerous in China?

Because they can turtle you.

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Look Jokes More Look Jokes

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

What did the little girl say when opened up a box of Cheerios?

Awww, look daddy, doughnut seeds!!!

Slow Poke Jokes More Slow Poke Jokes

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

A slow poke.

Giant Jokes More Giant Jokes

What do you do when your giant is hurt?

You call 9-wun-wun

What is even bigger than an elephant?

A giant!

Determine Jokes More Determine Jokes

How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

What is the best way to determine if someone is ticklish?

Give them a "test tickle."

Shell Jokes More Shell Jokes

What gas do snails prefer?

Shell.

What do you call a greedy crab?

Shell fish......

Ride Jokes More Ride Jokes

Why shouldn't you take your clothes off while riding the elevator?

It could get you an in descent exposure charge.

What do you call an elderly nun riding a scooter?

Virgin Mobile.

Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why did the Cook cross the road?

Because there were "Too Many Cooks".

Why did the two chickens cross the road?

To avoid debating Bernie Sanders

Conduct Jokes More Conduct Jokes

What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra?

Tuskanini.

How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests?

What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest