Turtle Jokes

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

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What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeee!

How did the turtle call his friends?

On his shellphone

What do you call a turtle without its shell?

Dead.

How do turtles communicate?

With shell phones.

What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring?

They conducted an in-turtle investigation.

Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?

Exactly where you left it.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

A slow poke.

What's green and has four wheels?

A turtle. I was lying about the wheels

What did the snail on the turtles back say?

WEEEEEEEEEE!

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What did one turtle say to the other eel?

Hahaha hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What did the Alligator say to the turtle?

Can I bayou a drink?

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?

He went to the Shell station.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation?

A radical equation.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle?

Weeeeeeeeee

What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle?

Wheeee!

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What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone?

A Snapping Turtle

How's your love life?

Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.

What did the snail say when put on top of a turtle?

Weeeeeeeeeeee

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

What did the snail say when he rode a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

What batteries do turtles use?

Durashells

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a turtle?

A slowpoke!

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shellfies!

Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I'm a plumber

What do turtles do for fun?

Play hide and shell.

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What do you call Dana Carvey standing on the back of Dana Carvey?

Turtles all the way down

What do you call a malady effecting reproduction in turtles?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

What does a snail riding on a turtles back say?

WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

A. Wheeeee!!!!!

What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?

A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because turtles have such small ears

Why are turtles dangerous in China?

Because they can turtle you.

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What's the best way to send a letter to Prince Charles?

Heir mail

How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer?

In bytes

Snap Turtle Jokes More Snap Turtle Jokes

What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone?

A Snapping Turtle

Cross Jokes More Cross Jokes

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?

A very witch person.

Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Shell Jokes More Shell Jokes

Why are linux geeks very introvertish?

Because they never get out of their shell

What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

Wait Jokes More Wait Jokes

What do bees do if they want to use public transport?

Wait at a buzz stop!

How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered?

Waiter: Well you know how slow turtles are.

Reptile Disfunction Jokes More Reptile Disfunction Jokes

What does it mean when a chameleon cant change color?

Reptile - disfunction

What does a chameleon that can't change color suffer from?

Reptile disfunction

Shredder Jokes More Shredder Jokes

Who is the best guitarist in the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe?

Shredder.

Why is Oliver North like Kraang?

They both love using the shredder.

Mistake Jokes More Mistake Jokes

Why did you leave your last job?

I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch?

It asked the digital watch for its hand in marriage.