Turtle Jokes

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

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What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeee!

How did the turtle call his friends?

On his shellphone

What do you call a turtle without its shell?

Dead.

How do turtles communicate?

With shell phones.

What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring?

They conducted an in-turtle investigation.

Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?

Exactly where you left it.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

A slow poke.

What's green and has four wheels?

A turtle. I was lying about the wheels

What did the snail on the turtles back say?

WEEEEEEEEEE!

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What did one turtle say to the other eel?

Hahaha hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What did the Alligator say to the turtle?

Can I bayou a drink?

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?

He went to the Shell station.

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation?

A radical equation.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle?

Weeeeeeeeee

What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle?

Wheeee!

What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone?

A Snapping Turtle

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How's your love life?

Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.

What did the snail say when put on top of a turtle?

Weeeeeeeeeeee

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

What did the snail say when he rode a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

What batteries do turtles use?

Durashells

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a turtle?

A slowpoke!

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shellfies!

Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I'm a plumber

What do turtles do for fun?

Play hide and shell.

What do you call Dana Carvey standing on the back of Dana Carvey?

Turtles all the way down

What do you call a malady effecting reproduction in turtles?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

What does a snail riding on a turtles back say?

WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

A. Wheeeee!!!!!

What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?

A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because turtles have such small ears

Why are turtles dangerous in China?

Because they can turtle you.

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What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?

What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning?

He was conducting.

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?

Believe in reincarnation.

Why did Batman climb the tree?

He was looking for Robin's nest.

Lie Jokes More Lie Jokes

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

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Why did the dog sleep so poorly?

By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Determine Jokes More Determine Jokes

How do you determine the personality of a hot dog?

Give it an Oscar-Myers-Briggs test

How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?

They take a gallop poll!

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What does it mean when a chameleon cant change color?

Reptile - disfunction

Giant Jokes More Giant Jokes

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

Sir, this is a liquor store.

What's the same with 9/11 and Goliath and the giant?

They were both caused by a message from god.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Why are jerks nice sometimes?

Standard deviation of the mean (OC, as far as I know)

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

I don't know but it's not rhelephant.