Lie Jokes

Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in English. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

What is Pink and lies on the doormat?

Whitney Houston's Valentines Day Cards

Whats the V in DVD stand for?

Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today.. be kind)

Why do cows lie down in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

How's your nutrition?

ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?

Annette!

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?

Because eggs were going up!

Which side is it best to lie on?

She asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

Who's there! Attila! Attila who?

Attila you no lies!

How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures?

Someone is lying.

Why are pilots so honest?

Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."

Why don't black people lay in the sun?

Because it's 92.96 million miles away.

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?

Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?

His lips are moving.

How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?

You use a spirit level.

What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster?

HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

Why are YOU afraid?

Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW

Why would a dead girl lie?

Because she can't stand up.

What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

A girl scout that got hit by a car.

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?

She wanted to get a dark tan.

Why so long face?

Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby."

Why do programmers drink coffee so much?

So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

What kind of cats lay around the house?

Car-pets!

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?

One good turn deserves another.

Why is everything lying on the floor?

My mom asked Gravity, I replied.

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?

A dead centipede.

Who's there! Al! Al who?

Al lied!

Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night?

Because her hips won't lie.

How many reps would you usually do?

He asked. "A million," I rep lied.

What has four wheels and can't support a family?

A liberal arts major. I lied about the wheels.

Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?

I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives?

A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!

How does that make you feel?

ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.

What did pinnochio's girlfriend say when they were 69'ing?

Lie to me

Where was I conceived, dad?

Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset

What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck! I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

Why did the monster lie on his back?

To trip up low-flying aircraft.

How can you tell that a politician lies?

His lips are moving

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

What's brown and steaming and lies behind the barracks?

Gomer's pile.

What do you call it when a soldier gets laid?

Tactical Insertion.* What do you call it when a COD player gets laid *Lies.*

What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?

Patty O'Furniture.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?

He made a grave mistake.

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Lie Jokes

Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids?

Your Age Is Only Math

What do you call the birth of a lie?

What do you call a deceptive feline?

Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?

Why should you never trust someone straight after coitus?

Why was the bicycle lying on the side of the road?

How are strippers and Subway workers similar?

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool?

What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Birthday State of Mind

What do you call a Ford on top of a hill?

What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?

What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?

How do you know a presidential candidate is lying?

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

Who is the most successful liar in the world?

What do Volkswagen and a boy going through puberty have in common?

What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

How does a lawyer sleep?

Love Card

Why are girls so hot?

How do you know when a politician is lying?

What do you call lying furniture?

What's his name?

What's green and has four wheels?

What happens to lawyers after they die?

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

Who is the most trustworthy lover?

How do black people get tans at the beach?

What lies in a pram and wobbles?

We've Got This Love Thing Down

What is the most beautiful thing in the world?

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?

How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?

What's yellow and lies in a pond?

What came first?