French Jokes

How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for French fries.

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How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Why did the French chef go to the police?

Escargot stolen.

What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners?

Mercy!

What's an Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but down under.

How can you identify a French Infantryman?

Sunburned armpits.

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

Why is French person a better team player than a pirate?

The pirate says, "Aye, aye!" The French says, "Oui, oui!"

What does a French beaver call her home?

Madame

What do the French call artificial feet for cats?

Faux Paws

What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?

Boulangerie.

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How does French cheese expire?

From age

How many French horn players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

100, 1 to screw it in and 99 to say how they could do it better.

Why did the French milkman have to hurry?

He was running lait

What do you get if you take the red circle off a Japanese flag?

The French flag.

What is the best celebration to have in a French Toilet?

A biday party!!

What's the holiest, French color?

Sacred blue!

What did the French fry say to the police officer?

Help me! I've been a-salted!

What do French fries and friends have in common?

They both die if you chop them

What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage?

They go to Cannes

How many eggs do the French use in their omelettes?

Just one, because in France one egg is un oeuf.

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How many French eggs do you need?

One egg is un oeuf.

How many gears does a French battle tank have?

Five. Four in reverse, and one in case the enemy is attacking from the rear.

What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette?

Gluten tag*

How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?

She was maid in France!

What do you call a guy who pretends he can speak French?

A francophony

What did one dehydrated French man say to the other?

What are we going to do now, Pierre

When I'm with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French ME leans across Oh really?

DATE: Yes

What do the French call 4/20?

Why am I scared of French pastry chefs?

They give me the crepes.

How did the Frenchman get turned on?

He French-kissed a power outlet

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What do you call a French General who charged into battle and died?

Napoleon Blownaparte

What do you call a French human delicacy?

Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking French vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink French vodka.

What is the most common French saying?

Nous abandonnons

Why French Fighter jet are name phantom?

Because they don't exist.

What do the French learn in basic training?

How to surrender in twenty-seven different languages.

How do you get info from a French dude?

You est-ce que question

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Where do you find 60 million French jokes?

In France.

What did the French stoner say?

80 blaze it

What do you get if you cross a cow a French fry and a sofa?

A cowch potato!

What did the French guy say when a bird pooped on him?

I have Grey Poupon me

How does a French blacksmith sharpen his blade?

He hon(hon hon)s it.

What do you call 222,215 Frenchman with their arms up?

The active French armed forces.

Why could the French man not count to four?

He could not get past the tree!

Who is the most famous French ant?

Napoleant!

What do you call an empty field?

The French army at the beginning of a war!

What do you call an eerie French pastry chef?

A crepe.

Why do the French like Cheap Trick?

Because they always surrender!

What did the French food critic say when he was given a savoury pancake?

It's crepe

Why does nobody ever talk about Jack the Ripper's sleazier French cousin?

Jock the stripper.

What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers?

French Flies!

When does an Irish potato change nationality?

When it's French fried.

Why do French people only have one egg at breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Why are French snails faster than American snails?

L'ess cargo

What is the French version of the name Parker?

Valet.

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general?

Napoleon Bunnyparte!

How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank?

The rear-view mirrors

Why are there windows on the back of French tanks?

So they can watch the battle

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the French feminine definite article"

How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?

It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States

What do you call a French organized crime detective?

J'accuza

What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?

He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise.

How do French poodles greet each other?

Bone-jour.

What do you call a French man who's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

What is the French verb that means "To declare war"?

Surrendre*

What's the difference between In-n-Out Burger French fries and League of Legends?

I can control my salt intake at In-n-out.

How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.

Why wasn't Euro Disney popular?

Every time they set off the fireworks, the French surrendered.

When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?

When I do her hair: "How about a hat "

What do French stoners smoke?

Oui-d

Why does ISIS drink instant coffee?

Because they hate French press!

What did one dehydrated French guy say to the other?

What do we do now, Pierre

Who loves hamburgers French fries and ants?

Ronald MacAardvark!

Why did the French have so many civil wars?

So they could win one.

What's the sound that a French tank does just before the enemy frontline attacks?

Beep Beep Beep...

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Why was Les miserable?

He was French.

Why did the French fry call the police?

Because it was a(salt)ted.

Why do the French hate League of Legends?

They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

Did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece

How does a French skeleton say hello?

Bone-jour.

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Bonjour Jokes More Bonjour Jokes

How do you say "I surrender" in French?

Bonjour

What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!" ("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

How Do Priests Get High?

Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...

Where can you leave your dog when you shop?

The barking lot.

English Jokes More English Jokes

What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?

Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to English)

Reach Jokes More Reach Jokes

What does a member of the British Royal Family say when they are reaching climax?

I"m arriving, I'm arriving."

What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get?

Mine is a skittle.

Guy Jokes More Guy Jokes

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher! Hahahahahahahahah you guys have no idea how alone I am.

Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?

This guy.

Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee?

Because they hate French Press!

What will you be having to drink?

Harambe: I'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.

Water Jokes More Water Jokes

What did the woman from Finland say after seeing an old man fall in the water, knowing he couldn't swim?

Oh no, Helsinki! He Finnish!

How can you tell an ant is a boy or girl?

Throw it in water If it sinks = girl ant If it floats = buoyant

Speak Jokes More Speak Jokes

Who's there! Clare! Clare who?

Clare your throat before you speak!

What's the most 'Spoken' language on Earth?

Hint: It's not English Spanish.