Plant Jokes

What did the plant say to the vegan?

Leaf me alone.

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What kind of plants grow in bathrooms?

Toilet trees.

Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?

Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.

What are you planting???

B: The seed of doubt. A: Dude, that's the worst joke I've ever heard! A: Or is it the best???

Why do watermelons have water in Them?

Because they are planted in the spring!

What's the difference between plants and black men?

Cells are found inside plants.

Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn?

To spruce things up a bit.

What happens when a plant is sad?

The other plants have to photosympathize with it

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

Why are flowering plants such good test takers?

Because they have all of the anthers!

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots

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How are college students like plants?

They both need natural light to survive!

How did the florist act after getting her dream job?

Got so excited she wet her plants.

Why did they plant trees in Harlem?

Public transportation.

What did the botanist say to the plant he was tired of tending to?

Grow away.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there

What do you call a stingy douchebag who likes plants?

A prick

What do a Caucasian woman's breasts have in common with clouds?

They're both white fluffy things that float high above the fruitful land where the seeds are planted.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up?

Geometry.

Where did the promiscuous girl from Belgium go to plant her flowers?

Ze Hoegaarden.

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

Ferniture.

What is a ginger author doing when they plant a misleading clue in their book?

Red hairing.

What do you get when you plant a loaf of bread?

A bakery.

Why did the plant cross the road?

Cus it was being stalked!

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot?

Let me be your *soil*mate

How do you grow a cow?

Plant its nuts.

How does a plant walk?

It uses a plant stand.

What are you planting?

Said Watson. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

What do you love most in the world?

Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh

What do you plant... What do you plant, to grow a really big plant that has nothing wrong with it?

Dyslexic acorns. They grow into A-ok trees.

Why did the plant say after being watered?

I'm not hungry exactly, but I could still use a light snack".

What do you call a plant that doesn't move?

A tree.

What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes?

A TV Tropism.

How could that have happened?

I can't understand it either because I planted cabbage!

Why does the farmer hate his job?

Because he has a deep-seeded hatred for planting.

What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived?

He wet his plants.

What did one plant say to another when it dropped its camera into the sea?

Photos-in-the-seas!

What happens when you plant a sesame seed?

Does a sesame grow What is a sesame Where my botanists at Where the hell am I

What type of brain does a plant have?

A membrane

How do you get the water in a watermelon?

Plant it in the spring.

Why did the plant use a dating service?

To find its stomate!

What do you call a plant getting kidney surgery?

A transplant

What type of plant can you use to make phone calls?

A telefern

What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him?

Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.

What is a Farmer's favorite pick-up line?

Girl. You look so good that I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

It made him wed his plants!

What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love?

You cantelope!

How do you plant dope?

Bury a blonde.

Why do they put chicken wire around these plants?

Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"

What did Leonardo DiCaprio say when he planted a seed?

Inception

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

Just water

What do you call a plant and sock hybrid?

A sockluent

When a plant is sad, what do other plants do?

Photosympathize

Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...

He loves his pot.

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Oak Tree Jokes More Oak Tree Jokes

Why did the oak tree get his girlfriend pregnant?

Because the state abolished plant parenthood

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Plastic Jokes More Plastic Jokes

What's the difference between a round piece of plastic and a babies head?

I don't use a round piece of plastic as a shift knob.

Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store?

Because baggers can't be choosers,

Retirement Home Jokes More Retirement Home Jokes

Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?

Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.

Annoy Jokes More Annoy Jokes

Who annoyed Polyphemus even more then Odysseus?

Nobody

How do you annoy a Worldnews redditor?

Comment after reading the article.

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

Why did the seal make a Tinder account?

To find a Significant Otter.

What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag?

Finding shoes to go with it.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What is the difference between a Mexican and a book?

A book has papers.

What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver?

A schoolteacher says "Spit out that toffee" and a train says "Choo choo."

Kind Jokes More Kind Jokes

What kind of STD does a blonde woman give you?

Herp-n-derp-es

What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow?

Abandonment.