Plant Jokes

What did the plant say to the vegan?

Leaf me alone.

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What kind of plants grow in bathrooms?

Toilet trees.

What are you planting???

B: The seed of doubt. A: Dude, that's the worst joke I've ever heard! A: Or is it the best???

Why do watermelons have water in Them?

Because they are planted in the spring!

Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn?

To spruce things up a bit.

What happens when a plant is sad?

The other plants have to photosympathize with it

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

Why are flowering plants such good test takers?

Because they have all of the anthers!

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots

How are college students like plants?

They both need natural light to survive!

How did the florist act after getting her dream job?

Got so excited she wet her plants.

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Why did they plant trees in Harlem?

Public transportation.

What did the botanist say to the plant he was tired of tending to?

Grow away.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there

What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up?

Geometry.

Where did the promiscuous girl from Belgium go to plant her flowers?

Ze Hoegaarden.

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

Ferniture.

What is a ginger author doing when they plant a misleading clue in their book?

Red hairing.

What do you get when you plant a loaf of bread?

A bakery.

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot?

Let me be your *soil*mate

How do you grow a cow?

Plant its nuts.

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How does a plant walk?

It uses a plant stand.

What are you planting?

Said Watson. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

What do you love most in the world?

Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh

What do you plant... What do you plant, to grow a really big plant that has nothing wrong with it?

Dyslexic acorns. They grow into A-ok trees.

What do you call a plant that doesn't move?

A tree.

What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes?

A TV Tropism.

Why does the farmer hate his job?

Because he has a deep-seeded hatred for planting.

What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived?

He wet his plants.

What did one plant say to another when it dropped its camera into the sea?

Photos-in-the-seas!

What type of brain does a plant have?

A membrane

How do you get the water in a watermelon?

Plant it in the spring.

Why did the plant use a dating service?

To find its stomate!

What do you call a plant getting kidney surgery?

A transplant

What type of plant can you use to make phone calls?

A telefern

What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him?

Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.

What is a Farmer's favorite pick-up line?

Girl. You look so good that I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

It made him wed his plants!

What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love?

You cantelope!

Why do they put chicken wire around these plants?

Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"

What did Leonardo DiCaprio say when he planted a seed?

Inception

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

Just water

What do you call a plant and sock hybrid?

A sockluent

When a plant is sad, what do other plants do?

Photosympathize

Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...

He loves his pot.

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Bathroom Jokes More Bathroom Jokes

What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

One has a job.

How does a mathematician go to the bathroom?

He works it out with a pencil.

Cell Jokes More Cell Jokes

Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

Because they had no bars on their cells!

What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?

I'm not letting you cook dinner again.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Lets go play on our bikes.

End Jokes More End Jokes

What's the difference between a paddling pool and a swimming pool?

Deep ends really.

When someone asks "You know what I think?

I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

Girlfriend Jokes More Girlfriend Jokes

Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend?

She just wasn't working out.

What do you call it when your Arab parents disaprove of your girlfriend?

Harambe

Alot Jokes More Alot Jokes

When using the equation Y=1-T to understand how citizens react to changes in taxation...what happens when T&gt1?

Alot of T gets dumped in a harbor

Why do some people cough alot?

Because they drink to much coughee.

Guy Jokes More Guy Jokes

What do you call a guy with no shins?

Tony.

When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress?

I'd prefer if you included tigress

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How do you please all the people?

Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head?

Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine