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Tie Jokes

How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

In little knotsies....

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What do you get if you tie two camels together by the tails?

A palindromedary.

What did the hat say to the tie?

You hang around. I'll go on a head.

What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food?

Tie food

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure

How did Adolf tie his shoes?

With two knotzies.

How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

By tying a knot on its tail.

What do you call it when you tie a brick to a jar of Miracle Whip and throw it into the ocean?

Sink-o de Mayo

What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters?

TIE tanium

Whats the difference between a noose and a leash?

How high you tie it on a tree.

What do you call 10 Ethiopians tied together?

A raft

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What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

A community centre

What did tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll hang around.

How do you tie two half ducks together?

With ducktape!!

What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?

Uh, like, can you knot?

What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet?

The Tie of the Igor.

What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum?

It drives me nuts.

What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post?

The leisure centre.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

Who lands first?

The Italian. The black is tied to the tree.

How do you always keep your shoes tied?

Replace the laces with earphones.

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What's the difference between an Engineering student and an Arts student when tying their shoes?

The arts student gets a mark for it.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

What did one strand of yarn say to the other?

I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. "Ball up..."

How did the alien tie his shoes?

With an astroknot.

What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot?

It's a tie.

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

Why couldn't the hippie reach his tie dyed T-shirt?

Because it was Far Out!

Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense?

So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight?

Muay Thai

Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?

In the *pew*.

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What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

A boo-tie.

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?

You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?

He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Who won the race between two balls of string?

They we're tied!

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

What do they do with rope in space?

Tie Astro-knots.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

What did the tie say to the neck?

I think I'll just hang around.

What is the result?

A tie.

How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production?

Role tied.

What type of knot do you tie in space?

An astronaut.

Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?

Because he wanted to look mptnt

Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy?

Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent.

What kind of tie does a pig wear?

Pig's tie!

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

It ended in a tie.

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Hang Jokes More Hang Jokes

Whatcha doing?

Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"

What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?

Let's hang.

Cut Jokes More Cut Jokes

How do you split $6 between 5 Mexicans?

You cut *Juan* out.

What do you get when you cut up an avagadro?

Guaca**mole**y edit: how do I make it not say this joke is Dirty

Tie Fighter Jokes More Tie Fighter Jokes

Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?

In the *pew*.

What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters?

TIE tanium

German Jokes More German Jokes

What is a German's favorite Pokemon?

NEINtales

How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

In little knotsies....

Chinese Jokes More Chinese Jokes

How heavy is a Chinese dumpling?

Wonton.

Why was Karl Marx against Chinese mutes?

Because he hated the B shu!

Suit Jokes More Suit Jokes

How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?

He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

Why dont you like Taylor Swift?

Shes awesome!". Because I knew she was trouble when she walked in.

What did one flea say to the other after a night out?

Shall we walk home or take a dog

Half Jokes More Half Jokes

What do you get when you cross an Aboriginal with a Caucasian?

A half decent person.

What's half of 8?

5. The other half is 3.