Tie Jokes

What do you get if you tie two camels together by the tails?

A palindromedary.

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What did the hat say to the tie?

You hang around. I'll go on a head.

What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food?

Tie food

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure

How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

By tying a knot on its tail.

What do you call it when you tie a brick to a jar of Miracle Whip and throw it into the ocean?

Sink-o de Mayo

What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters?

TIE tanium

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

A community centre

What did tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll hang around.

How do you tie two half ducks together?

With ducktape!!

What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?

Uh, like, can you knot?

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What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet?

The Tie of the Igor.

What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum?

It drives me nuts.

What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post?

The leisure centre.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

How do you always keep your shoes tied?

Replace the laces with earphones.

What did one strand of yarn say to the other?

I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. "Ball up..."

How did the alien tie his shoes?

With an astroknot.

What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot?

It's a tie.

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

Why couldn't the hippie reach his tie dyed T-shirt?

Because it was Far Out!

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Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense?

So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight?

Muay Thai

Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?

In the *pew*.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

A boo-tie.

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?

You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?

He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Who won the race between two balls of string?

They we're tied!

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

What do they do with rope in space?

Tie Astro-knots.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

What did the tie say to the neck?

I think I'll just hang around.

What is the result?

A tie.

How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production?

Role tied.

What type of knot do you tie in space?

An astronaut.

Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?

Because he wanted to look mptnt

Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy?

Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent.

What kind of tie does a pig wear?

Pig's tie!

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

It ended in a tie.

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Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

What do you call twins with no arms and no legs, hanging by a window?

Curt 'n Rod

Shoe Jokes More Shoe Jokes

How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie?

An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man?

WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes

Pig Tie Jokes More Pig Tie Jokes

What kind of tie does a pig wear?

Pig's tie!

Answer Jokes More Answer Jokes

Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

Why did the paedophilic bestialist not answer his name?

Because he was feeling a little horse.

Head Jokes More Head Jokes

Where was Solomon's temple located?

On the side of his head.

What shampoo do dragons prefer?

Head & Smolders

Duke Jokes More Duke Jokes

Why couldn't the Dukes of Hazard visit Mecca?

Because that's just a little bit more than Allah will allow.

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

Kind Jokes More Kind Jokes

What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite?

Funicula

What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase?

Audi *tips hat*

Half Jokes More Half Jokes

What do you call a frog that jumps half the distance to its destination every time?

An asymptoad.

What's black and dosent work?

Half of London