Spend Jokes

Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

April Sale

Love

$5.99

How much did Adidas spend in advertising at the World Cup this year?

At least a brazillion dollars...

How do terrorist surfers spend free time at Guantanamo Bay?

WATERBOARDING!!!

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What is best potato?

Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.

How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?

By spending a large fortune.

What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?

If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.

What do Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both spent a fortune making their noses more white.

What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?

Hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D... wait what were YOU THINKING!!!

April Sale

We've Got This Love Thing Down

$5.99

What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chick pea?

I'm not spending $100 to have a garbanzo on my face.

Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

What happened to that?

Husband: You spent it all dear.

How did the monster cure his sore throat?

He spent all day gargoyling.

What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet?

Oh give it arrest.

Where does Ben Carson spend most of his time on Reddit?

R/explainlikeimfive

How long did you spend on your cosplay?

Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*

What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?

A Rastapartying

What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?

I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.

Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?

Because they can't stop saving their work.

What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?

Asks his wife. "31 black"

What's Lisbeth's twin sister's name who enjoys spending time on the internet?

Elizabeth.

What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog

What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.

What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach?

A tangent

Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict?

You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.

Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel?

They say he was snowed in.

Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?

They never want to log off.

What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?

You're getting too wrapped up in your work!

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

Why are burglars such good tennis players?

Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts!

How Dave Grohl spent his night in his hotel room after the concert in Gothenburg, Sweden?

He watched movie Cast Away (starring Tom Hanks) and ate some potato chips.

What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey!

What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?

Fished but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!

What do you call someone who spends the whole time on their phone whenever you hang out?

A phoney friend!

What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet?

Anything you like they're not listening to you anyway.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

One but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

Why did Peter Parker get fired?

He spent all day on the web.

Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at sea.

What do you get when you spend all afternoon replying to your anonymous feedback on Corpell Anonymous Box?

Corpell tunnel syndrome

How much did the pirate spend on his earings?

A buck an ear.

Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?

He wrote sheet music.

Why do traffic lights never go swimming?

Because they spend too much time changing.

What do you call a liquid that spent all its money dissolving solute?

Insolvent

Why won't a black man go see a 3d movie?

He'd rather spend his money on a forty

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

Why did Bruce Jenner go back to college?

So he could spend a semester a broad.

What costs you more the less you spend on it?

A divorce lawyer.

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?

Studying their Miranda Rights.

What do you want for your birthday this year?

Vanessa: I want a divorce! Kobe: I wasn't planning on spending that much this year. Here's another ring.

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend?

Explaining his wife.

Why do stoners spend so much money?

Because they're high rollers

What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?

I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.

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Why doesn't Superman watch Game of Thrones?

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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?

Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

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