Money Jokes

Why doesn't the stone vendor value money?

Because he takes it for granite.

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

What did the poor composer say to his friend?

I am baroque, can you lend me some money?

What do Maroon 5 and Jack Reacher have in common?

They both spend all their money on payphones.

Where do fishes keep their money?

In river banks

What is a small loan of money?

A small loan of a million dollars

What are you watching tonight?

The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

To remind them why there's no money in it

March Madness Sale

Why'd the chicken cross The Road?

Because he wasn't paid the money he deserved.

What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one

Why did the brothel run out of money?

Because all of the investors pulled out.

What did Bernie Madoff say to Bernie Sanders?

I'll take your money!

What do you call money on drugs?

A high five...

What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?

Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.

Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?

Offshore investment gains a better return.

What kind of cheese gives out money?

Prova I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

March Madness Sale

How do you know if a redditor gave money to Bernie Sanders?

Just wait 5 minutes. They'll post about it.

What do you call two siblings that take your money?

Fine brothers

Where do polar bears go to deposit money?

A snowbank

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

How do the Lannisters save money on new beds?

They push Two twins together to make a King

Why did the black guy loose all his money?

Because a cop robbed him.

Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?

Cause all their pants are half-off

Why should you never take a swordfish out to dinner?

Because you'll get stuck with the bill, and if you don't have money to pay the restaurant will call the cods on you. Fin.

What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

Why was the fruit farmer losing money?

He couldn't grow a pear

March Madness Sale

What do you call a bread place that doesn't make any money?

A Naanprofit!

What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.

Where do Polar Bears keep their money?

In the Snowbank. My first post is a dad joke

What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?

Blacking out and gaining money.

What is the best way to lose money?

Lend it to Greece.

What do you call a woman drowning in money?

Rich... Also an ambulance.

How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money?

By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".

Where does a polar bear keep his money?

In a snow bank.

Which boxer did Darth Vader put his money on in the fight?

The Thai fighter

Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents?

Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.

What does an LGBT orthodontist make most of his money off of?

Bruces

What kind of money do they use on Superman's home planet?

Kryptocurrency

What kind of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.

What do you call it when you lend money to a bison?

A Buffa-Loan!

Why does Cuba not have any casinos?

They Havana no money to spend.

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snow bank!

What do old cars and dead chickens have in common?

You'll usually get more money for them if you sell them for parts

Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven?

A bannister always pays his deafs.

What do you call money that grows on trees?

Marijuana

What is Batman's favorite thing to do with his money?

Make it Wayne.

Who's there? Hotel. Hotel who?

Ho, tell me where my money is!

What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?

Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)

What's the biggest advantage of being a smoker?

Not having to set aside money for your old age.

How do you get money out of a piggy bank?

Feed it laxatives.

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?

Government bonds mature over time and earn money

Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money?

All their work is pro Bono.

Why was the chef mad?

He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."