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Piece Jokes

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

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How do you make a rave party in Africa?

You stick a piece of bread on the ceiling.

What did the SI7 Agent say to a piece of bread in a costume?

Heh, disguised toast.

What do you call a piece of fruit that can fly?

A pearrot

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate?

It was only allowed one piece of carrion.

What do you say when a robot explodes into pieces?

Rest in pieces.

What goes, "Pieces of Nine, Pieces of Nine"?

A parroty error

Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?

BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE

What did the pianist do when someone smashed his piano?

He played many more pieces.

What piece of bedding can also be known as a Mexican blanket?

The underlay! underlay!

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Why did the piece of gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken.

What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends?

Cannelonely!

What do a piece of tuperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

What did Jesus want when he appeared on a piece of toast?

Miracle whip.

How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?

Piece of cake

What did a piece of tofu say when it got dirty?

Misoyaki!

How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap?

He can only stick to himself.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce on its face?

Chicken Caesar salad.

Why did you offer me a piece of candy?

Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese?

Thanks I'll just have a sliver!

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What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria?

A map.

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?

He was the skipper!

What piece of furniture can you always trust?

A Reputable.

What did the cake say to the knife?

You want a piece of me!

What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common?

They're both pieces of China.

How do pirates like their jigsaws?

In pieces of eight.

Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?

Short John Silver!

What's so lame about a duck President?

Pieces of bread, quacking, getting into all types of duck antics in the Oval Office! I'm game!

What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus?

This is my body, I'm nice with jam.

What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner?

Carbon dating.

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What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

How have you done that?

I don't know how but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell he gives me a piece of cheese.

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?

A pillow fight

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?

You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

Which actor is resting in pieces?

Alan RIPman

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster?

HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

What do you call the piece of plastic behind the windshield in an Iraqi car?

A Daeshboard

What did one piece of bread say to the sad piece of bread?

Its going to be all rye.

What the difference between Bernie Sanders and a piece of fruit?

Pieces of fruit actually get picked for something.

Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup?

He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!

How many contortionists fit in the trunk of a regular sedan?

Depends on the size of the pieces.

How easy is it to get stoned in Amsterdam?

It's a piece of cake.

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?

Thank you I'll just have a slither.

Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay?

Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"

What do you call the outer edge of a piece of bread that has been toasted?

Crusty

Why were all the girls looking at the piece of paper?

Because it was ripped.

What is the most common use for pig skins?

To keep the pig in one piece.

What would Ed Sheeran taste like on a piece of toast?

Gingerbread

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in it's eye?

Chicken caesar salad.

What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper?

Ruff!

What do you call a chicken staring intently at a piece of lettuce?

A chicken ceaser salad.

What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese?

A paddy melt!!

Why couldn't the band director pick a piece in 4/4 time?

It's too common

What piece of clothing is made overseas in an Asia country?

Japanese

How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook?

She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

What do you get when you chop up a fruit and mix it with vegetables?

I don't know but it was hard as hell stealing thier wheelchairs with pieces of Richard Simmons tripping me up.

What do a big bar of chocolate and a frag grenade have in common?

Everybody gets a piece.

Who's there! Ankansas! Ankansas who?

Ankansas though any piece of wood!

How did LaKeisha's Mom finally stop her from bouncing on the trampoline in the rec room?

She put a piece of velcro on the ceiling.

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind...it's tearable

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

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What do you call a Muslim Girl dating an Agnostic Guy?

For safety purposes, I don't know if I should tell you her name..

Repair Jokes More Repair Jokes

What do you call a crow who repairs time pieces?

A bird watcher.

Who's there! Cellar! Cellar who?

Cellar. No I think she can be repaired!

Stick Jokes More Stick Jokes

Why did the atom stick around?

Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

An ambulance because that is a serious medical emergency that requires immediate attention.

Carbon Jokes More Carbon Jokes

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner?

Carbon dating.

Advice Jokes More Advice Jokes

What's the best part about taking advice from r/relationships?

You'll never have to worry about being in a long-term relationship.

Who would you ask for advice about a lion?

A lion or a gerbil The lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions.

Car Jokes More Car Jokes

Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car?

He had Gnocchi.

Why should you never laugh at thieves in a car-accident?

It could be your car

Bernie Sanders Jokes More Bernie Sanders Jokes

Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.

Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee?

Because they hate the French Press. (This joke used to be more topical)

Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests?

It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.