The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.
A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**!
A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money
The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
One does their chores while complaining, the other doesn't do them at all.
I don't have a garabonzo bean in my garage because that's where I get pee'd on so there is tarps everywhere.
Landscaping is an outside job.
A boat.
One had to P.
One's a phony buck.
Q: What's the difference between democracy and feudalism A: In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.
A fortress has breastworks.
15 years.
The rooster's primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Well... the woman at church has hope in her soul.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
Nothing, The hits keep coming
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four
None, the two are not a snake
Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered." Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."
1 figure, literally and figuratively.
Prison
Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.
A Yoghurt's got culture!
One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem.
Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'
Two letters.
I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you
You can't hear a protein. (Wait for it)
A dollar
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.
Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.
Capitalization.
The candle is a thousand times brighter!
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
Camel can go days without drinking!
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
Removed
I've never radished off to OP's mom.
200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!". The other says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!".
Eric Clapton won't let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.
1st floor: Splat, aaaaaahhh 10th floor: aaaaahhhh, Splat
I've never had a lintel on my chest.
One trains the mind the other minds the train.
The type of gas used.
You can't here a vitamin.
By their names.
This subreddit mods
The brick will eventually get laid.
Santa stops at 3 ho's
One has cheese on it, the other's just plain cheesy.
A pepperoni pizza can actually feed a family of five.
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
An elevator has a GF
The cream
One has a long smeller the other a loud yeller!
You stop milking a cow after 14 years..
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back if my girlfriend's throat at 60 miles per hour.
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
About 40 years.
British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.
People from Dubai don't like the flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do
One is a weak one and the other one week!
Leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 300 years and it'll develop a culture
They only work 10% of the time.
A clip joint.
You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.
I regret nutting!!!
Peter Parker can shoot webs. Clark Kent.
It's meteor.
I don't have Ferrari in my garage.
A quarter pounder with cheese.
Put the gun down!
Where to sir?
Fur traders.
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.
The captains log.
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
A top-of-the-lime model.
There's a sale on at the carrot store!
