I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
100 pounds.
Bill Gates never got a Mac, but Steve Jobs got PC.
I don't know." "So you're the one!"
One's an algorithm, and the other's an Al Gore-ism!
Black magic doesn't work.
Pronounce this word: unionized
One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
A brick gets laid!
The temperature of their caffeine
It depends on where I draw the line.
A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.
Spitting, Swallowing, and gargling.
An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.
No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!
Polar bears gather around the ice hole.
The position of the dirtbag
A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"
Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams
One porks women the other un-porks them.
To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.
A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.
Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from.
The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)
Nothing.
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
My girlfriend knows about my wife.
When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".
Government bonds mature over time and earn money
Snickers satisfies.
The posters.
Santa stops after three ho's.
The rooster clucks defiance.
Fancy food is delicious, but military food is deliciousir!
Most members of the band haven't been in a Porsche.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
50 pounds.
One of his legs is the same.
One of them has a good driver.
Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.
The spelling Teehee
You might get your baby back off a pitbull.
A bull smiles when you milk it.
One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts
A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.
Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"
I can maintain polite conversation.
A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.
One less drunk.
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing. (Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show) also "My favorite indie band is Palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
There's none. They both have big hearts but a short reach.
A physicist is atoms studying themselves, while a biologist is cells that study themselves.
A tree has limbs.
To make a difference.
Falconers have to be more talon-ted
The attorney charges more.
Hardware breaks if you maintain it.
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other one is a watermelon.
One is fun to smash with a sledgehammer and the other one is a watermelon
Yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
A top-of-the-lime model.
If you leave a yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.
Gamble in British currency.
A row bot
Because someone threw a canoe at him!
An astronaut.
9 mouths
On Tinder.
They're all girls on fire.
One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different
Because they recognise Ty won
