At least Ebola will finish me off
A sadist is honest about his intentions. That probably wasn't funny, but what do I know?
One has a d where the other doesn't.
One tooth
Terrorists have sympathizers.
One has cubs
A lawyer.
A fruit doesn't need a wheelchair
Peter Parker can swing a web. Clark Kent.
The NFL will review the tape of the wide receiver getting hit
10 "number 1's" and a not guilty verdict
Independence Day
You can't buy happiness!
You can mash potatoes, but you can't pee soup. (sorry sorry. Really. I've loved this joke since I was... oh.. six...)
One's against the law, and the other's a sick bird.
The stationmaster minds trains while the schoolmaster trains minds.
Nothing, someone's losing the trailer. -Robin Williams
Karate is a martial art and Judo is used to make bagels.
One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny
A happy person has a light heart and ET has a heart light
About 3 inches
Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.
One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.
In the former, man exploits man, in the latter, it's exactly the opposite.
Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.
Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.
The teabag stays in the cup longer.
A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.
It is possible that UFOs exist.
Hazelnuts are normally around $1.50/lb, deernuts are always under a buck.
A mosquito can "fly", but a fly can not "mosquito".
A taxidermist takes only your skin. Mark Twain
How should I know? I just fly the drones.
The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!
About six drinks
Oprahs Black
About four beers
The Bald Eagle is free c:
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
100 pounds.
Bill Gates never got a Mac, but Steve Jobs got PC.
I don't know." "So you're the one!"
One's an algorithm, and the other's an Al Gore-ism!
Black magic doesn't work.
Pronounce this word: unionized
One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
A brick gets laid!
The temperature of their caffeine
It depends on where I draw the line.
A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.
Spitting, Swallowing, and gargling.
An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.
No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!
Polar bears gather around the ice hole.
The position of the dirtbag
A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"
Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams
One porks women the other un-porks them.
To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.
A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.
Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from.
The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)
Nothing.
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
My girlfriend knows about my wife.
When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".
Government bonds mature over time and earn money
Snickers satisfies.
The posters.
Santa stops after three ho's.
The rooster clucks defiance.
Fancy food is delicious, but military food is deliciousir!
Most members of the band haven't been in a Porsche.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
50 pounds.
One of his legs is the same.
One of them has a good driver.
Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.
The spelling Teehee
You might get your baby back off a pitbull.
A bull smiles when you milk it.
One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts
A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.
Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"
I can maintain polite conversation.
A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.
One less drunk.
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing. (Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show) also "My favorite indie band is Palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
There's none. They both have big hearts but a short reach.
A physicist is atoms studying themselves, while a biologist is cells that study themselves.
What have I got to luge
You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
I regret nutting!!!
What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!
I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Steak
On Tinder.
Notice me sin()!!!
Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
Because the Captain was stood on the deck!
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a Pikachu'".
Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there.
Jail-birds!
GOTTA CATCH JAMAL
