An egg gets laid
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR & Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.
A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!
You can't ride your bike on a sociopath
Santa would never free an elf.
No fee--If No Recovery!
One's wanted.
I've never smeared tigger on my face
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Being cupped is far more pleasurable than being mugged
OC) You really can't tell the difference between a fish and an elephant
6 inches is medium 8 inches is rare.
Larry Hogan gets back from the hospital.
We don't need an asteroid...
The washer doesn't follow you around after you put a load in it.
About 3 replies in the top comment thread.
The podiatrist bucks up your feet.
A magicians wand is used for cunning stuns.
About 10 pounds.
Nothing.
Unlike football, you'll never get to spike it in the Friendzone.
A battery has a positive side.
Oscar winners can thank BOTH of their parents.
In professional wrestling they know what they are doing.
After 200 years the yogurt would have developed some kind of culture.
I've never had a Walnut on my chest..
And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'
Nicki Minaj never owned slaves.(https://www.youtube.com/watch v=Gr1p4KtgOXc)
My wife actually looks forward to riding the motorcycle.
One of them ruins your life. The other's just meth.
One is a hunt on a course.
One is piracy and the other is CONSpiracy
Paul Walker wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.
None. Eventually, both of them are gonna crash.
You will see one later and one in a while.
About 5000 miles.
Nothing
Eggs actually get laid.
A voice.
The second letter.
10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
Tyrone
I asked for Pizza #KingOfjokes
A genie grants wishes, while a genius wishes for grants.
A knife has a point.
Apart from the Spelling?
The Mercedes can easily reach 40.
When you twist the doorknob it doesn't scream.
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.
The bond matures.
Ever tried dipping a sailor in a boiled egg?
I don't want to put a repost in my mouth
Ted can swim away from an accident.
Beer nuts are a dollar twenty five, deer nuts are under a buck
A circus has a cunning array of stunts
The dentist pulls it out when it hurts.
About 5 inches.
A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.
Snowballs
About a day.
Bricks get laid.
One plays with an electric guitar, the other a-cue-stick.
One turns young people into horrible human beings and the other is jail.
A gambler might lose.
I've never paid $200 to have a kidney bean in my mouth.
I don't know, I just click "submit"
One of them is a swift tailor.
Nothing, they both have 1 3
My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.
Inserting a rod into the reactor turns it off.
One's organized.
The golfer goes " Damn!" The skydiver goes "Damn! "
Haw
An egg gets laid before it cracks.
Dead animals have skid marks AROUND them
One has a job.
A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.
A sock takes five toes and a camera takes photos.
I didn't cottage in my pants
Nothing, their last big hit was the wall.
Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!
You can say sorry at a funeral.
You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.
A golfer goes "damn" and a skydiver goes "damn".
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
The spelling.
Earthquakes stop shaking
One can... "Get Hard"
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Little.
One's by Dire Straits, the other's by dryer states.
I can sleep with a light on.
Newer magazines
Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out the window
About fifty pounds
I don't have a stamp collection.
Private employee starts work checking email. Public official starts works making a coffee.
Their middle name.
Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer
It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.
On Tinder.
Ferrous Bueller's Day Off
Submitting a stool sample.
Because Yogurt Tastes Better" The Divorce Is Next Tuesday
She didn't suit his taste!
Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay
Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different
One is weasely identifiable while the other is stoatally different.
A pyrite!
I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Because he was always spotted.
They disguise themselves as uncles!
