Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake!
The guy would survive the first round.
Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.
You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!
A duck is a carbon-based life form while a curling iron is an inanimate appliance
The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Their age.
In a casino, you really mean it.
Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*
A podiatrist bucks up your feet.
The spelling.
About 1500 miles.
Have you ever tried worm pie!
An Optimist learns German. A Pessimist learns Chinese. A Realist learns AK-47.
Removed
I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.
About 3 inches
A tire.
If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.
People laugh at my face.
A triangle has three points
The woman in church has hope in her soul.
One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!
A church bell peals from the steeple.
Sesame Street has an Oscar.
There's no punchline for this joke.
You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant
Whisper I don't have a Ferrari.
The car salesman knows he is lying.
Some people think God is real.
A plane
A 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a senor
God doesn't think **he's** an electrician.
Stephen Hawking doesn't walkie or talkie.
Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out a window
Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers...
How you spell them.
You can take a rental car anywhere.
Kim Jong Un has control over his country.
About 12 letters
The Logo.
An Atari 2600 has more game.
Batman can go to the store without robin Edit: glad you'll liked it
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Toast is brown on both sides.
D(sun)/dt *facepalm*
At least one group can grow a beard.
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Askreddit's subscribers are ok with offensive jokes.
Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out a 53rd-story window!
A dressmaker sews what she gathers a farmer gathers what he sows.
I dunno, I just repost them.
The baseball player has all of its limbs.
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
About three inches.
3 hours, but it takes 1 day for it to get to Hot
The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.
A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**!
A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money
The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
One does their chores while complaining, the other doesn't do them at all.
I don't have a garabonzo bean in my garage because that's where I get pee'd on so there is tarps everywhere.
Landscaping is an outside job.
A boat.
One had to P.
One's a phony buck.
Q: What's the difference between democracy and feudalism A: In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.
A fortress has breastworks.
15 years.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
Nothing, The hits keep coming
None, the two are not a snake
Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered." Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."
1 figure, literally and figuratively.
Prison
A Yoghurt's got culture!
Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.
One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem.
Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'
Two letters.
I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you
You can't hear a protein. (Wait for it)
A dollar
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.
Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.
Capitalization.
The candle is a thousand times brighter!
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
Camel can go days without drinking!
I've never radished off to OP's mom.
200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!". The other says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!".
Never having to buy another electric toothbrush.
Because he couldn't find the right droid he was looking for.
I don't have Ferrari in my garage.
A quarter pounder with cheese.
Ehh, it depends.
Dronacharya
Christmas Adam
Tan lines.
A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.
You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.
What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Because you have to change them.
Fur traders.
I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!
