Astronaut Jokes

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut.

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Why didn't the approaching black hole concern the astronaut?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Why wasn't the astronaut paying attention?

Because he was spaced out.

What do astronauts put on their toast?

Space Jam.

How do astronauts make a party?

They planet.

What's a astronauts favorite food?

Lays, because they are full of air.

What do you call an astronaut that doesn't like being touched?

A personal space man

Why don't astronauts take anything seriously?

They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he needed his space.

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

How does the astronaut cut his hair?

Eclipse

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What do astronauts do to host a party?

They planet.

Why do astronauts bring their phone into space?

Because they can get 4g

What did the astronaut from AA say in space?

Houston, I have a problem.

How do you tell an astronaut where they're going?

Straight up.

Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?

At parking meteors.

How do astronauts say they're sorry?

They apollo-gize.

What color were eyes of the Astronaut on the Challenger when it exploded?

Blue. One blue this way ---- and the other blue that way -----

What did the astronaut get on his science project?

He received a T minus.

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

I need space.

What does a astronaut put in a sandwich?

Space Jam

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most?

A space bar.

What did the astronaut get instead of athlete's foot?

Missile Toe

How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

I just need some space.

How do you calm down an astronaut?

You give him space.

What do you call a donkey throwing nuts?

An astronaut.

Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet?

The one with the biggest head.

What does an astronaut do when he gets angry?

He blasts off:

Why didn't the astronauts stay on the moon?

Because it was a full moon and there was no room.

Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?

He had a lot of aspirations.

What's the difference between an astronaut and a NASA intern?

One's constantly preparing for lunch.

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What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm?

Girl: Apollo neck jumpers

Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long?

Because as soon as they start they get fired.

What do astronauts get?

Missile toe

What do you call an Asian woman on the moon?

An Astronaut

When do you ground an astronaut?

When they're astronauty.

What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

1/6 G My 8 year old son came up with this one.

What does an astronaut say when he's sorry?

All my Apollo-gies.

Why don't astronauts get hungry after being blasted into space?

Because they've just had a big launch.

How do Astronauts screw in a lightbulb?

They don't: They screw in a vacuum.

Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?

At parking meteors.

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

I need some space.

Why are Astronauts seen as condescending?

Because all they do is look down at people.

Why is it hard dating an astronaut?

Because they have space issues.

What kind of gum do astronauts chew?

Hubble Bubble

What do you call a donut that is out of this world?

Astronaut-----

Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut?

So he can find router space.

Why was the astronaut so sore?

He had a buildup of ga-lactic acid.

What happened to the astronaut who was knocked out?

He saw stars.

Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv?

Because in space, no one can hear you stream.

What do astronauts wear to bed?

Space Jammies!

How do astronauts plan a party?

They planet. (Plan-et)

Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon?

Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)

What type of knot do you tie in space?

An astronaut.

What did the man say when he accidentally bumped into the astronaut?

I Apollo-gize

How does it feel son?

Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band

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Need Jokes More Need Jokes

When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone's numbers again, I text them: "Guess who?

For 2 weeks.

What's the difference between training wheels and training bras?

I need two hands to remove training wheels.

Host Jokes More Host Jokes

What did the host serve his guests for The Simpsons marathon night?

Disco Stew!

What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

Door Jokes More Door Jokes

What does a door and a jar have in common?

They both are ajar.

Who was that at the door?

Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off.

G Jokes More G Jokes

Why the letter "G" is scary?

In one fine evening it can turn your host into... GHOST.

How is your day going?

G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.

Grasp Jokes More Grasp Jokes

Why didn't the armless man get the joke?

He just couldn't grasp it.

What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air?

Collecting his thoughts.

Mexican Jokes More Mexican Jokes

Why aren't there any Mexican swimmers in the Olympics?

Because they're all in the US

What is a Mexican's least favorite nursery rhyme?

Humpty Dumpty

Attention Jokes More Attention Jokes

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke

Why did the farmer's wife got angry at him for paying too much attention to his equipment?

He kept looking at his hoes.

Approach Jokes More Approach Jokes

What did the pair of flip-flops say to the approaching man with disgusting feet?

Shoe.

When she approached my car window I asked what's wrong officer?

She said "ugh nothing!"