Pull Jokes

What did the elephant say?

What did the elephant say when it was pulled out of a pit by the Balls? Thank you Mr. And Mrs. Ball!

Birthday State of Mind

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

What do you call it when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

Pulled pork.

What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person?

Would you pull that crap with a net?

How do you open a door underwater?

You swimming pull

Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

How are Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad the same?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

What do a trickster and a multiplicative inverse function have in common?

They both want to pull 1 over on you.

Why did it take a strong thief to steal a manhole cover?

Because only he could pull it off.

How do you get certified as an interior decorator?

You don't pull out

Why did the brothel run out of money?

Because all of the investors pulled out.

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What do you call people who use the pull out method?

Parents

What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?

I regret nutting!!!

Why is a fire truck always red?

Cause you'd be mad too if someone kept pulling your hose.

What's the difference between the stock market and women?

With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled behind a boat?

Skip

Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?

Because they have a claus in their contract.

What does your girlfriend and my garage have in common?

I pull out of both of them.

How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes?

You pull down their genes.

What did the snowman do when he saw a snow blower go by?

Pull down his pants.

Why didn't the patient sue the dentist for pulling the wrong tooth?

Because it was accidental.

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What do a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in common?

The guy didn't pull it out fast enough!

What does Iraq and Bristol Palin have in common?

Both of them are hard to pull out of.

Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!

Why did the cz-75 get the girl pregnant?

It took too long to pull out.

What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snowblower coming

What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs?

Banner.

Why did the man hire a Mexican gardener?

Because he was good at pulling weed

What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker?

A Pull-it-surprise!

Why did Al Gore go to the dentist for a tooth pulling?

He had an Inconvenient Tooth.

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Why aren't there any baby Transformers?

Because Auto-Bots pull out!

Why did the puppeteer get out of jail?

Because he "pulled a few strings"!

What's the difference between me and a dentist?

The dentist pulls it out when it hurts.

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. Couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

Why are fire trucks always red?

You'd turn red if someone pulled on your hose wouldn't you?

What happened to the over amorous clam?

It pulled a mussel.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

He heard the snow-blower was coming.

What did the lobster do at the disco?

Pulled a muscle.

What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.

How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the parachute?

When the leash goes slack.

What do you do if someone's choking?

Pull back a few inches

How did the puppeteer meet the President?

He pulled some strings.

Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?

He was trying to bust a move

Why did the mathematician get pulled over?

For drinking and deriving

What is the meanest practical joke one can pull on a blind person?

Leaving a plunger in the toilet.

What did the couch say to the armchair?

Don't worry, I pull out.

What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants?

It's driving me nuts!

What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant girl have in common?

Failure to pull out in time

What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common?

Someone didn't pull it out in time.

Why does the corn get mad at the farmer?

Because he is always pulling on his ears.

Why are farmers cruel?

They pull corn by the ears.

What do women and hand grenades have in common?

When you pull the ring off, your house goes away

Why do you forget a tooth as soon as the dentist pulls it out?

Because it goes right out of your head.

Why did the hipster fail making ice cubes for his bourbon?

Because he pulled out the tray before it was cool

What did the blonde do after she combed her hair?

She pulled her pants up.

Why is it so hard to pull over on the Pirate Highway?

Because there's a parrot on the shoulder.

How often do you floss?

Me: Daily Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

What does Mickey Mouse do to Minnie Mouse after she drowns and he pulls her out of the water?

Mouse to Mouse resuscitation.

Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

What mustache can an alien not pull off?

A human chu

How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day?

None

Why are snakes hard to fool?

They have no legs to pull!

What's black and white and turns cartwheels?

A piebald horse pulling a cart!

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

What's the difference between me and my couch?

My couch pulls out.

When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

Answer "Scissors." then drive away..

How many virgins does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. But he will pull it back out and stick it back in again just to make sure hes got the right hole.

How do you get your girlfriend to fart?

Pull out

What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.

Why are you laughing?

My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out. I don't see much to laugh about in that. But it was the wrong one!

Why won't Hillary ever pull out?

She's never finished screwing people.

Why did the Soviets pull their missiles out?

Because they feared a premature ejectulation

What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common?

Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.

What did the policeman say when he pulled over a nissan?

Nissan Haltima Bonus: What do you call it when a kia pulls up to a red light Kia stoptima

What's the difference between sin and shame?

It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What do Bristol Palin and Iraq have in common?

It's just so hard to pull out.

What do blondes do after they comb their hair?

They pull up their pants.

How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas?

He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!

What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine?

They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.

How do you know when a grenade is thrown by a blonde?

When you can pull the pin and throw it back

How do you tell an X chromosome from a Y chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

What's harder to pull out of than Iraq?

Bristol Palin.

What film do you get when you pull your pants down?

Free Willy

Why haven't you pulled over yet?

I said, "Because we're still in Detroit."

Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Why does Bernie Sanders support abortions?

Because even after he's blown his load he won't pull out.

How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?

One. It's a trick question.

Why did King Arthur leave no heir?

He was legendary for pulling out.

What's your chicken sandwich called?

A McChicken And the rib -A McRib pulls out his batwallet I like your style.

What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

What's the difference between me and my new couch?

The couch pulls out...

What's the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.

How's the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ...

How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug?

It loses its cool.

Why is England so special?

Only they can pull out of Europe twice in a week.

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

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