Vampire Jokes

What is a vampires favourite food?

Vampires aren't real

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What's the difference between a ginger girl and a vampire?

One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.

What clothing designer do vampires prefer to wear?

Alexander Fang

How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

By his coffin!

How do you know when a vampire is sick?

He starts coffin...

Why is it difficult to punish vampires?

They can't reflect on what they've done.

Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him?

Because he was pain in the neck!

What happens when a vampire drinks too much?

They get a fangover.

Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse?

They can not stand stakes!

How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they prefer the dark.

What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?

Dracowla!

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What happens when you mix a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?

A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

What is the best way to talk to a vampire?

By long distance.

Why did the vampire go to hospital?

He wanted his ghoulstones removed.

Where did vampires go to first in America?

New-fang-land.

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask)

Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?

Ghouldilocks.

What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?

The alphabat.

What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight?

Necking.

Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?

He was a ghoulsnif fer.

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Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?

He could really get into the vaultz.

What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails?

Best viscious.

What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin?

A Hemogoblin

What type of people do vampires like?

Type O positive people.

Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?

They looked both ways before they crossed.

What does a proofreader have in common with a vampire?

They search for type-os

How does a vampire enter his house?

Through the bat flap.

Where does a vampire take a bath?

In the bat-room (bathroom).

What did the vampire call his false teeth?

A new fangled device.

What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer?

Something that goes straight for the juggler!

How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?

He has to grin and bare it.

What did one vampire say to the other vampire?

Is that you coffin

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?

A coffin break.

Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?

He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.

Why do vampires hate arguments?

Because they make themselves cross.

How do vampire football players get the mud off?

They all get in the bat-tub.

What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college?

Coagulations!

What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old?

A two-year-old vampire.

Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?

He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.

Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?

It wanted to play squash.

Why do vampire's use linux?

Because they don't like windows in their house. BaDumTss

What food do vampires hate?

Steaks.

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie?

You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

What kind of eye disease do vampires get?

Dracular degeneration.

What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm?

One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

Why does vampire Superman want to go out?

Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)

What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant?

Count Spatula

Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

Because he was coffin...

Why do Vampires hate Writers?

Because they hate Type O's

What do you call a vampire, that follows the rules?

Draculaw

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?

The girl necks door.

What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy?

Something you wouldn't want to unwrap!

When do vampires bite you?

On Wincedays.

What do you call a vampire in a raincoat?

Mack-u-la!

What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic?

Wait for him to give it back.

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?

Grave-y!

Why wasn't the vampire working?

He was on his coffin break.

Why don't vampires like steak?

Because it's bad for their heart.

What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?

I don't know but it would slow him down.

What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?

You would get severe frostbite.

What is the American national day for vampires?

Fangsgiving Day.

What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars?

Jack-u-la!

What do vampires make sandwiches out of?

Self-raising dead.

How does a vampire clean his house?

With a victim cleaner.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

They start coffin.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

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What do you get when you push a piano down a mining shaft?

A flat minor.

Why do Lannisters have such big beds?

GoT because they push twins together to make a king.

Punish Jokes More Punish Jokes

How are electric outlets punished?

They're grounded.

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?

She left a plunger in the toilet

Garlic Jokes More Garlic Jokes

Why did the blonde throw tic-tacs in her spaghetti?

The recipe told her to mints her garlic.

What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?

His bark was much worse than it's bite!

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between sanctuary and prison?

Toilet paper.

What's the difference between a football match and a referendum?

In a football match, the best team wins.

Inhaler Jokes More Inhaler Jokes

Why did the little boy use his inhaler?

No wheezin'

What do you call an asthmatic vampire?

Vlad The Inhaler.

Pupil Jokes More Pupil Jokes

What came after the stone age and the bronze age?

Pupil: The sausage!

Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher?

He only had one pupil.

Sunlight Jokes More Sunlight Jokes

What's at the beginning of the rainbow?

Refraction of sunlight in raindrops

What's orange and white and stops at sunlight?

Gingers

Reflect Jokes More Reflect Jokes

What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life?

HINDsight

Why should you never disturb a mirror?

Because they are always reflecting.