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Cause Jokes

Why does Willem Dafoe play a villain in a lot of movies?

Duh. Cause he's da foe.

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Why is the beach wet?

Cause the seaweed

Why do women live longer than men?

Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Why are there no headache pills in Troy?

Cause Paracetamol

Why does the town pound keep animals in separate cages?

Cause otherwise they'd be going to pound town.

What kind of wine causes the most accidents?

Shartonnay

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

What did one ovary say to the other one?

Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?

Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!

Why'd the dog cross the road?

Cause he's a dog.

Why did Ally refuse to do her homework, when all she had left was to square the x and y axis?

Cause Allies don't like axis powers

Your Age Is Only Math
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Why didn't Edward get on the plane?

Cause it was snowed-in.

Why did AMD release black edition cpu?

Cause they run faster than white.

Why are firetrucks red?

You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always Russian around.

Why do brothels support Hillary?

Cause #FeelTheBern would be bad for business.

Why does a cow have hooves but not feet?

Cause they lactose.

Why did so many people support the colonist protest of tea?

Cause everyone wanted'a "boo" tea!

Why is a fire truck always red?

Cause you'd be mad too if someone kept pulling your hose.

Why can't you take a shower with a Pokémon?

Cause they'll Pikachu

What caused Captain Morgan's shipwreck?

He was on the rocks.

What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

A flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes
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Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

Cause they all have phones!

Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes?

Cause all their pants are half-off

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

Cause he was told to get a long little doggy.

What do you call a drum that causes problems?

A conundrum

Why are outdoor workers so in fit?

Cause they work out.

Why is Chapstick so popular?

Cause it's the balm baby!

Why are Black people so tall?

Cause they're knee grows!!

Why did the pasta chef take his car into the body shop?

Cause it got al dente'd up!

Why do feminists hate the post the USPS?

Cause it's an all mail business.

What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table?

Gilles de la gourmette

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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Why don't women parachute naked?

Cause they would whistle on the way down

Why do failing college girls always screw their professors?

Cause they want the D.

Why can you trust no one in the savannah?

Cause they be lion.

Why does the lead singer of Sublime hate tennis?

Cause love is what I got

Why are some flowers gangsta?

Cause they carry pistils.

Why did the Lebo die?

Cause he was fullllly sik m8.

Why didn't you visit Chad?

Cause he wasn't my Niger.

Why did the cowboy have a brown moustache?

Cause he was Lookin' for loooove in alllll the wrong places.

Why did the Baker rob the Banker?

Cause he knead that dough......... Sorry I'm drunk

Why do Pillows work?

Cause they're white

Why do natives hate snow?

Cause its white and its on their land.

Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January?

Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

What causes German Earthquakes?

Teutonic Plates. I'm sorry I'll find my own way out

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Cause he can't do stand-up.

Why don't they drill holes in golf clubs?

Cause then there would be a hole in one!

Why did the train go left?

Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.

How do you know that William Wallace is normally distributed?

Cause he has infinite degrees of FREEEEEDOM!!!

Why was the young strawberry upset?

Cause his mom was in a jam.

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What's a Jackhammer's Best Friend?

Cast Steel! Bahahahahah! You know! Cause it has a poor dampening value it vibrates so much! They um. They both vibrate. Well ok. One vibrates, the other reciprocates. That's kinda... Hehe. Heh. Reciprocate my humor damn it!

Why can't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Cause they would quack up.

Why are ducks funny?

Cause they be quacking jokes

Why does the little mermaid where sea shells?

Cause the B-shells were too small.

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Cause 7 is a six offender

Why can't T-rex's clap?

Cause they're dead.

Why did the chicken coop have two doors?

Cause if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan

Why do we call the office printer Bob Marley?

Cause it's always Jammin'

Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion?

Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains

Why did the U.S. invade Panama?

Just Cause

Why should you always take two Mormon's fishing?

Cause if you take one, he'll drink all your beer

Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat?

Cause if they rolled forwards, they would still be in the boat.

Why wasn't the fella able to get out when he fell in the river?

Cause it was on a Sunday and the banks were closed

Why can't Michael Jackson drive backwards in a car?

Cause he's dead.

Why is it better to be ashy?

Cause it just means you spit more fire

What's the same with 9/11 and Goliath and the giant?

They were both caused by a message from god.

What did the Israeli Prime Minister who can't say the word "and" say about candy that caused such a hubbub?

Mike Ike's are my least favorite.

Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?

Cause it's far out, man

Why did the dorito feel left out?

Cause he didn't chip in!

What do feminists and Redditors have in common?

They both have multiple triggers that will cause them to down vote those who don't think the exact same way as them.

Why can't Jim's make sandwiches?

Cause it was at my grannies, isn't it!!!

Why did the seismologist not have to pay for the damage caused by the earthquake?

It wasn't his fault.

Why does flint never get any likes on their Instagram pictures?

Cause they don't use a filter.

Why can't horses vote?

Cause their answer is always 'nay'. I'm sorry, I'll leave...

Why can't Sally ride the swings?

Cause she doesn't have arms. Knock, Knock, Whose there Not Sally...

Why won't you read this joke?

Cause you've already reddit!

What did the judge say when the defendant cause a ruckus in vegetable court?

Bay leaf get him out if here!

Why didn't Vietnam return to feudalism following 1975?

Cause Charlie don't serf.

Why do they call it a "roach clip"?

Cause "pot holder" was taken.

Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

Why can't the bishop walk straight?

Cause he can only move diagonally

Why did it take so long to find the bodies of the black firefighters after the building they were in caught fire and collapsed?

Cause the building collapsed, duh.

Why is it warmer near the corners of a room?

Cause they're at 90 degrees.

Why'd the mushroom go to the party?

Cause he's a fungi! Why'd the fungi leave the party Cause there wasn't mushroom!

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

Cause its feet smell.

Why does fluoride cause apathy?

Who cares.

Why do graveyards have fences?

Cause everyone's dying to get in!

Why do girls like nice guys?

Cause nice guys always finish last.

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?

Cause horses are rubbish at drawing

Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

Cause it looked hotter than usual!

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corner cause it's always 90 degrees.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention?

Cause William Shatner Coffee.

What happened when the wheel was invented?

It caused a revolution.

Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?

Cause it had a hard drive.

What's the name of the virus that causes AIDS?

Are you positive

Why Can't America tell knock knock jokes?

Cause' freedom RINGS!

Why Was Vista Afraid of Seven?

Cause seven eight ten.

Why was the scarecrow given an award?

Cause he was out standing in his field

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Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What happens when the man shakes?

The windows milk shake!

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Muslim Woman Jokes More Muslim Woman Jokes

What is a Muslim womans favorite amendment?

The second (right to bare arms)

What did the muslim woman say to her new fiance?

Jihad me at hello.

Bill Jokes More Bill Jokes

Whats the opposite of nickle back?

Bill front (Money jokes i got em)

What is Bill and Ted's favorite book of the Bible?

Duderonomy! They also like Leviticus.

Break Jokes More Break Jokes

How do you end a relationship fight?

You break it up.

Why do russians rush B?

To break the rush-A stereotypes

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WANNA RIDE BIKES

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

How do you know that God isn't a woman?

Because I'm not a sandwich.

Lightbulb Jokes More Lightbulb Jokes

How many people with Alzheimer's did it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

How many redditors it takes to change a lightbulb?

OC It only takes 1. But another 999 to repost this 100% original joke. I made this.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What does a rock do all day?

Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)

Why are some jokes so funny?

Doctor, Doctor why are some jokes so painfully funny -It must be the punchline