German Jokes

What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?

Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?

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Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?

Because her boyfriend was going in.

What happened to the German man's luggage?

It was Lufthansa plane

How do you say Vaseline in German?

Vienerslidein

Why don't Germans like humour?

Because it's inefficient!

How do you say constipated in German?

Farhfrumpoopin'.

How does a German get to the airport?

He heils a taxi!

What's the German super hero called?

Ale-Man

What do Germans look at on the internet?

Danke memes

Why there are so many avenues in France?

Because German soldiers like to march in the shade

What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

Ein stein.

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What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

What do they say for jokes about German sausages?

They are the wurst.

What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?

A Wurst-Kse Scenario

How do you call sons of australians and germans?

Men at Work

What do you call the German word for Vaseline?

Derweinerslider

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock?

Ve haff vays of making you tock!

What's a German's favourite number?

Nein

What did the critic think of German food?

Their sausages are the wurst.

What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?

Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!

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Why were the German tomatoes drunk?

Because they'd been on the vine.

What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage?

Audi

Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10?

They were trying to keep their German market.

What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him?

Danke

Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?

Because they took Pita on them

What do you say when German secret police is bugging you?

GeSTAHPo!

How do you say no in German?

Square root of 81

How do German bread greet each other?

Gluten tag!

What did one German baker say to the other?

Glutentag!

Why does a German always have the last laugh?

He has to wait for the verb.

What do Germans say when you show them a meme?

Danke.

What is a German's favorite Pokemon?

NEINtales

Who pays for the drinks?

The German!

What causes German Earthquakes?

Teutonic Plates.

How do you make German potato pancakes?

Cook them in the microwave

Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?

Because his bread was stollen!!!

What do you call a German physician who specializes in the epidermis of the scalp?

Herr Doctor.

Why so the French line their streets with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade

What does a German say at a Dude Ranch?

AUDI.

What'd you call a German businessman?

An enterpreNeuer.

What do German women's lingerie and Africa have in common?

Ze-bras!

What has 16 legs and speaks German?

Dppelspider

Why does everyone hate German sausage jokes?

Because they're the wurst.

Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

Ve haff vays of meking you tock.

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.

How do you say goodbye to German cheese?

Velveetazane

How do you say "bra" in German?

CUZITHODZITFOMFOPIN.

Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?

German soldiers like to march in the shade.

What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward?

OC A receeding Herr line.

Why don't Germans play games with new players?

Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.

How much does a German weigh?

Teutons.

What's green and German?

Snotzis.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.

What's a German's favorite fruit?

An Auto-Bahnana

What did the German Footballer name his pet?

Schweinsteiger.

Why does Paris have tree lined streets?

Because the German army likes to march in the shade.

Whats the German version of silent night?

Kristall nacht

How do you turn German beer into American Beer?

Drink it

What do Germans call their own EasyMac?

Mein Kraft

What did the German with food allergies say?

Gluten Nacht

Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Germans like shade

What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?

Neingag.

What does the German President wear?

Leader-hosen.

What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?

Kraut funding

What do you call a German rice cake?

A reich cake

What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd?

1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation

What's worse than being German on D-Day?

Being single on V-Day.

What would you find on a German fire truck?

Ladder-hosen

What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership?

Audi

What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes?

Herr Jordan

What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase?

Audi *tips hat*

How many elves does a German santa have?

Elf.

What is the German word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen.

Why did the horse fail German?

Because he could only say, "neighn!"

Which country has the nicest children?

Germany. German children are kinder.

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?

First, invade ze kitchen...

What kind of memes do Germans like?

Danke memes

What do a German says when you show him a good meme?

Danke

How many German does it take to take down a plane?

One. Because he's very efficient and silent while doing it.

How do you get a German out of the bath?

Turn on the water.

Why did the German cross the road?

To get to the Reich side

What time do Germans leave their dentist appointments?

2:39

What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette?

Gluten tag*

Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points?

Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.

How does a German call an Irishman?

Komm, Sean!

What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?

Nigeria.

Why couldn't the woman date a German man?

Because she was Klaustrophobic!

What does the Personal Computer and German people have in common?

They're both the master race!

Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold?

Because they've gott MIT-uns

What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles?

Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.

Why should you never drink German beer with Chinese food?

An hour later you're hungry for power.

What do you call a German singalong?

Follow the lieder!

What do German kids play on the playground?

Guten tag!

Why did the Germans loose WWII?

They kept Stalin around.

What do you call counterfeited German currency?

Question marks.

What are Germans most thankful for on the internet?

Danke Memes

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot

How do you greet a German baker?

Gluten Tag

Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?

Because deep down they are really nice.

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Offend Jokes More Offend Jokes

How are genders like the twin towers?

There used to be two of them but now everyone gets offended if you talk about it.

How do you offend a vegan?

Cover your ears with your hands

Auschwitz Jokes More Auschwitz Jokes

Pain Jokes More Pain Jokes

Why was the road in so much pain?

Because it has a carpool tunnel.

Why are dogs in a lot of pain?

Because they chew balls.

Love Jokes More Love Jokes

What do you call a cat in love?

Romeow

What do you call a building that falls in love with its architect?

Edifice Rex

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

He's looking over his shoulder

What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other?

A surgeon.

Cop Jokes More Cop Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there

When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

Do NOT respond with "I know, right!"

Manage Jokes More Manage Jokes

How do the people of northern Iraq manage to get so much done?

The Kurds have their ways

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?

They sit eggsaminations!

Heaven Jokes More Heaven Jokes

Why is heaven a paradise for the common man?

Because all the politicians are in hell.

Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell?

Easy. More traffic is going to hell.