Work Jokes

They just wanna be loved by ewe. Made up this joke/pun at work the other day (I'm sure I'm not the first), decided to subject you all to it. All apologies to shepherds who are not physical with your sheep.

What is the craziest/weirdest/most interesting/most unique/ uncommon phrase you've ever heard?

I am working on a project, and its going to revolve around a phrase. I need it to be really out there, yet could be used in everyday life. But honestly just give me anything you got.

Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter?

Because they take a fence to that.

What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...

What do you call a boat whose captain has no idea what he's doing and works for free?

The Internship

Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?

Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.

What did the black horse name its daughter?

Sha-neigh-neigh. Thought of it at work.

Why did the gamer start working out?

He wanted to finally get respecced.

What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?

Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)

What is the main ingredient of a fractal fondue?

Mandel broth Ha ha ha The puns I make up while working as a grocery cashier..

Why was the composer late for work?

He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?

You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said

What's the difference between magic and black magic?

Black magic doesn't work.

Why was the blond late on her first day of work?

Because she stopped taking the pill about a month earlier.

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What do you call a woman with a very round head?

Sophia. (sphere) it works best spoken

What is the collective term for rams crossed with llamas who work as Avon representatives??

Rama llama ding dongs

Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?

He got too attached to his work.

Why was the mathematician late for work?

He took the rhombus.

Why are there exactly two hundred and thirty nine beans in an Irish Bean Soup?

Because if there were one more, it'd be two forty. (Too farty) This works much better when spoken out loud. The joke how Irish people pronounce "forty."

What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...

Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi?

Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money?

All their work is pro Bono.

Why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke?

Because it was too cheesy. I work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time.

What song does a dwarf pimp sing?

High ho's, high ho's, it's off to work I go

What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

It was hard to make a living.

What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?

I'm Thor

Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

He got crped out.

How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.

How did the math teacher solve her constipation problem?

She worked it out with a pencil.

What do you call a red-head that works at a bakery?

A ginger bread man.

What's yellow and lies in a pond?

Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in English. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.

How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about.2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A two-knee fish! (works better when you're drunk)

Why did the baker go to work?

He kneaded the dough!

What do you call a nun that works for your company?

Nun of your business.

What kind of pants does Mario wear to work?

Denim denim denim p

Why do aspirins work?

Because they're white.

Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

What do you call someone who knows all?

Nostril-damus. &ampnbsp Works better if you read the joke out loud.

How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.

How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower?

You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.

How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date?

As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.

What do you call a panda who's legs don't work?

Pandapalegic

Why did the bowling pins stop working?

They went on strike!

How do I get to 280?

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

Why do credit cards not work in France?

They don't understand the concept of charging.

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Work Jokes

Where is Victoria working now?

I Love Pizza & You

Why do cow wear bells?

Why is Windows going from 8 to 10?

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Why did the airplane no longer work?

Why do women like men who can work on cars?

How many people from the future does it take to change a light bulb?

What do you call a man with a fetish for US currency who works on a dairy farm?

How is your job and your wife different?

What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time?

What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died?

Couple's Daily Question Mug

What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day?

What does a stoner do to work out?

How many people work in the Lada factory?

What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

Why was the egg late for work?

What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store?

Whats does dissecting a frog and explaining a joke have in common?

Why do liberal courts don't work?

What does a math teacher do when he has hemorrhoids?

Love

What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?

Why did the baker rob the deer park?

What clothes do lawyers wear to work?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

What did I say when my Neutrogena products worked?

What's the difference beetwen public official and private employee?

Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

Why do Pillows work?

How did the bird get his bluetooth to work?

Why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work?

We've Got This Love Thing Down

Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

Why was the cop absent from work?

How many OU (University of Oklahoma) coaches does it take to change a light bulb?

Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

How do diapers work?

What did the raisin see when she came home early from work?

What's the difference between one polar bear and 10 polar bears?

What do you call a sink that doesn't work?

How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe?

Why didn't the rock make it to work today?

How do mathematicians cure constipation?

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work?

What do you call a hypnotist that works with wealthy children during the summer?

Why did the elephant paint its nails red?

How are the band "The Scorpions" and rural shepherds alike?