Work Jokes

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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How was work?

Flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good

Why are bodybuilders the best the best partners?

Because with them it always works out.

How many do I need to get an Xbox?

Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"

Why is Instagram not working?

But "Why does the world need another picture of you " #instagramnotworking

Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive?

Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See It works doesn't it

Why did you leave your last job?

I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to work undercover.

How many people work at your company?

About half of them.

How did it work?

We haven't spoken for five years".

What do you call it when the women in the back of a Mexican brothel talk after working all night?

Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?

The week force.

What's the worst part about working with a gamer?

They're always trying to 1-Up you.

What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work?

Spell check!

What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"?

Working people's wallets.

What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?

Have a nice bite!

What do hard-working grocery store clerks get every year?

A celery increase.

Why didn't the skeleton make a good lawyer?

All his work was pro bono.

Who will I share the sunset with now?

Sobs* Friend: Bad breakup Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.

What were the 2 doctors who worked with Schrodinger called?

A *paradox.*

What do you do when your lawnmower stops working?

Deport him

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Why are you always rushing out of here after work?

You're single with no kids." Me: " Exactly."

Why weren't you at work last week?

Me: Why are you living in the past

How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?

He works on a cold case.

Why do people love working at yogurt factories?

Because of the culture!

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?

They can wear casual clothes to work

What's delaying the Polish space program?

Development of a working match.

Why do professors like stats and physics students?

Because they'll work for p naughts.

What's long, black and doesn't work?

The unemployment line.

Where do Star Trek fans work out?

At the He's Dead Gym.

Why couldn't the physicist get the Standard Model to work?

Because it wouldn't commute!

How does a mathematician get to work?

He derives!

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How does Jack Frost get to work?

By icicles

What did the windmill say to the windmill engineer?

I'm a big fan of your work

What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee?

Getting ready for work

How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't. They just talk about when it did work.

Who's there! Bach! Bach who?

Bach to work!

Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?

Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Why is glue white?

If it were black it would run. It just wouldn't work.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?

So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What did the buffalo say to his boy before leaving for work?

Bye, son.

What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work?

The aftermath

Why did the cop climb the tree?

He worked for a special branch.

How many walruses does it take to make a sandwich?

Don't be silly, walruses don't make sandwiches; women make sandwiches. Made this up to bug my sister. It worked. Her husband laughed.

What does an attorney wear to work?

A law suit.

What happened out there?

I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either

Why didn't Barbie and Ken's relationship work out?

Because Ken always came in another box.

Where do banana slaves go to work?

Plantaintions.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?

Because they can't stop saving their work.

Who do you pat with encouragement when they fail to work?

A Remote control

Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

Why do you see so many Bernie Posts on r/all?

Because supporters of other candidates are out working or voting.

Why aren't you working?

Me: I didn't see you coming!

What do you call a lizard that doesn't work?

A reptile dysfunction.

Why does the CPU never get any work done?

Because it gets interrupted constantly.

What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's?

A Friar

What pick-up line works 100% of the time?

Does this smell like chloroform to you

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problems?

The same way he solved all other problems: He worked it out with a pencil and paper.

How will it work?

Remains to be seen.

What do you call a guy who works out regularly?

Jim.

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

Why did the cookie get fired from his job?

He came to work baked.

How does a Bee get to work?

He catches a buzz.

Why is Tylenol white?

Because it works

Why do teenagers want to work for Intel?

Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.

Who are these women?

Women working at 900 numbers.

Why do bakers work so hard?

Because they knead the dough.

Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

What's the worst part about working in a glory hole?

You only get paid in tips.

What do you call a fish who works for the government?

An Official.

Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines?

Because Eminem's in there (Sorry, it works better when it's spoken)

Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold?

The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) No I am not a dad

What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow?

Chop chop.

What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work?

Wake me up before you go-go

Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time?

Because she was an operetta (operator).

Why was the broom late for work?

Because 7,8,9

Who does the butcher look forward to seeing after a tough day at work?

His loving knife.

What works in a circus walks a tightrope and has claws?

An acrocat!

Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday?

Work smarter not harder people.

Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict?

You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.

Why do women love men who work with Horses?

Because those men have got Stable jobs.

Why is Facebook such a hit?

It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.

What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News?

A bad news bear

What's the only thing working out at the gym?

The business plan.

What did the dog say after a hard day at work?

Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit, thought i'd share it

Why do math teachers never get constipated?

Because they always work problems out with a pencil.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now

What's wrong with them?

His boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.

How do government employees wink when they're at work?

They briefly open one eye.

What secret organization does Pinnochio work for?

Wooden you like to know

What do you call Iron Man and silver surfer when they work together?

Alloys.

How do you know the devil is white?

Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.

Why do you want to work in a bank Alan?

Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.

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Bruce Willis Jokes More Bruce Willis Jokes

What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard.

What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue?

OC Icy dead people!

Stripper Jokes More Stripper Jokes

How are strippers and Subway workers similar?

They'll both lie and tell you it's a footlong to get paid.

What's the first part of a stripper to blow?

The knee. It's a load-bearing joint.

Check Jokes More Check Jokes

How can a blind person tell if they're home?

They check the architexture.

What do you use to check your cell from across the room?

A telephono lens.

Mexican Jokes More Mexican Jokes

Why are Mexicans good at bow hunting?

Because they hav-an-arrow!

How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

Relationship Jokes More Relationship Jokes

Why shouldn't a dentist and manicurist be in a relationship?

All they will do is fight tooth and nail!

What's longer than most relationships these days?

This status.

Dwarf Pimp Jokes More Dwarf Pimp Jokes

What song does a dwarf pimp sing?

High ho's, high ho's, it's off to work I go

Slave Jokes More Slave Jokes

What kind of degrees do slaves get in college?

Their Master's.

What does Harry Potter say after he purchases slaves?

I expect to Potter-own 'em.

Brothel Jokes More Brothel Jokes

How does Bran Stark enter a brothel?

With a Hodor

Why did a Chinese man ride a bike to the brothel?

To get laid.