Mean Jokes

Why is Gandalf so good in bed?

Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

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What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?

9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history

Why is it worse this time around?

Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.

What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

What do you mean he's your half son?

What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

Where were you born?

Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.

What does it mean if a dude looks down and sees four balls instead of two?

He needs to be very careful, because he may be getting screwed.

How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

Why are terrorists so mean?

Because they don't like Nice people.

What did the other nose say to the other nose when it was crying?

It told it a Nak-Nak joke! (In my language Urdu, Nak means nose.)

What does IDK mean?

I've yet to find someone who knows.

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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!

Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?

Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...

What does amnesia mean?

Someone told me but I forgot.

Whats another meaning for a women?

Finger puppet

How a husband describe his wife?

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

What Chinese name means 'wolf'?

Hau Ling.

Why are pirates so mean?

They just ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!

What's your favorite word?

5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means! Me- I know how you feel.

Why does Pokémon have only one save file per game?

I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)

Why do urologists like UTIs?

It means urine business.

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Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble

What do you mean pi r square?

Pies are round

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry

What's the deal with the phrase "door ajar"?

I mean, is it a door or is it a jar?

What's the difference between politics and engineering?

What POC means.

What's the meaning of life?

Why don't you google it?

What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

I'm just asking for a friend)

Where is the lift?

American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

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How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

What did Justin Beiber say to his teacher?

What do you mean?

Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?

It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?

You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.

What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open?

In tennis, love means nothing.

What do they always forget to do after filming a season of Game of Thrones?

The last one out is meant to get the Wights

Why are so many guys mean to their girl friends?

Because of the.

What is meant by 'a pull factor'?

A big red sports car.

What is the average Math teacher like?

Mean.

What's the deal with airplane peanuts?

I mean, seriously, are they seeing anyone?

What do you call it when three French cats get into a boat only meant for two?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!

Where is Jennifer's husband?

Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

How did Reddit not fell down yet?

I mean, it is only hanging by threads...

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Each lightbulb contains the means of its own revolution.

When is the one time when no doesn't mean no?

When a woman rejects feminism.

What does it mean when a lion roars?

Shut up. The movie is about to start.

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

Who is missing an egg?

There are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.

What 8 letter phrase means a healthy scratch?

Tim Tebow

What do you mean by being loud?

Quiet the opposite.

What is the best anti-joke you know?

Well a joke that isn't funny, but still is because it isn't. If you know what I mean. These are kind of much easier to remember.

Whatcha got, reddit?

I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

What denomination are the coins in Super Mario Bros?

They're dollar coins, because a quarter is two bits, which means a dollar is 8 bits.

What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world?

Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too.

What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia?

You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.

What does GOP mean?

GOP" is onomatopoeic: it's the sound of anonymous penetration in public bathrooms late at night. -&y

How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across?

Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

What do you mean, 10?

10 what Months Weeks!" Doctor: "Nine."

What did Mozart say to the police clerk?

I'll be Bach" hahaha. What do you mean they're different people

What's the difference between Ireland and America?

When we say waterboarding in Ireland it means surfing.

Why did he do that?

Who is she What does that mean When did that happen Why How I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema

How can I trust you again?

H: She meant nothing to me! M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

What do you mean?

It's all denty

What does it mean when you see a flag flying at half-mast outside of a mostly white high school?

They're hiring.

How many husbands have I had?

You mean apart from my own

Whats up?

Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin' M:Nutshells. S:Really Fine.What's poppin M:Corn. *Blocked*

What is "attempted theft" exactly?

I mean it's not like you see school librarians seeing a student use Wikipedia on one of the computers and puts them in detention for "attempted plagiarism"