Mother Jokes

He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

March Madness Sale

What day do most mothers give birth?

Labor Day.

Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.

What did the lightbulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.

What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's IQ was below average?

SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?

Are you my mother

Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb?

Because it's baby food.

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?

Dad dad look what marma-laid'!

Whose mother likes rap music?

Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.

What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add!

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

They are both over the counter strike

What is with 2016?

It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. sorry not sorry

Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?

Because two Eds are better than one.

What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

Look, Ma! No hands!

Why don't you take a train?

Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email?

He had no attachments.

What did the young witch say to her mother?

Can I have the keys to the broom tonight!

Why does a mother carry her baby?

The baby can't carry the mother.

What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?

Dual air bags.

Why was the young bear so spoiled?

Because his mother "panda'd" to his every whim!

Why was the little bear so spoiled?

Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos?

Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers...

What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone?

Miss ewe!

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

For smoking in bed.

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

GtOnly if you go aks your mother.

How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?

Hmm No risk do both.

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?

Mumbai

Why are south Italian men so small?

Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from Italian hope it makes as much sense as there

What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

Who Conquers All obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

What does your mother do for a living?

She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur.

Whatever's the matter?

Asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

What's a mixed feeling?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?

My mother.

Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?

She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Why are you home from school so early?

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh really What was the question Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal "

Why was Mary Jane not a virgin?

Her mother leaves.

What is the best letter who represent a man?

A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.

What do soybeans call their mother?

Edamame.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What did the digital clock say to it's Mother?

Look Ma, no hands!

Whats the difference between Outlaws and Mother-in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Why did the table love playing volleyball?

Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me No

What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat?

Look mom, an angel!

Why did the kid punch the bed?

His mother told him to hit the hay.

Why is 17 called the "mother-in-law" in black jack?

Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant.

Who is the prettiest of my friends?

Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

I can't bereave it!

What do you call it when a mother has twin boys in Arizona?

Tucson.

Why was the blot of ink so sad?

It's mother was in the pen and it didn't know how long the sentence was.

What is the difference between wealth and poverty?

And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'

How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long

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Vacation Jokes More Vacation Jokes

Where do tv's go on vacation?

To remote Islands

What do hackers do when they go on vacation?

They go phishing

Carry Jokes More Carry Jokes

Why do buzzards prefer to fly?

Because they really like their carry-on..... yeah total dad joke, i know.

Why did the number of parking tickets spike after Persephone was carried off to the underworld?

Because Demeter stopped working.

2 Jokes More 2 Jokes

What do you call 2 guys hanging on the wall around a window?

Kurt and Rod.

What's 1+1?

Earth Jokes More Earth Jokes

What's the difference between the Earth and my sock?

The Earth's crust is on the outside.

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Freudian Jokes More Freudian Jokes

How do Freudians describe the human mind?

As a huge ENEMA, I mean huge enigma.....

What does Oedipus the king's mother wear under her dress?

Q: what does Oedipus the king's mother wear under her dress? A: a Freudian slip

Human Jokes More Human Jokes

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

What do you get when you cross........ the DNA of a human with the DNA of a goat?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Onion Jokes More Onion Jokes

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Where do onions wrestle?

Onion rings.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

How do pirates know that they exist?

They think, therefore they arrrr

Mother Jokes

What are mixed feelings?

Love

Why is the food so cold and bland?

What's the downside to bigamy?

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers?

Why were the strawberries sad?

What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

What do your mother and the ground have in common?

What do you call a cow with two legs?

What is the biggest plot twist in Spanish soap operas?

Birthday State of Mind

What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers?

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

What's worse than having your car impounded by the police?

What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common?

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?

What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?

What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

Who would you save first?

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Why was the little ink blot so unhappy?

What kind of dance does your mother do?

What's the penalty for bigamy?

What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common?

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?

What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Why was the animal unhappy?