Watch Jokes

Why cant you watch TV in Afghanistan?

Because of the tele-ban.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

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Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing?

Because they've got the same color trunks.

Whats the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. is a good place to start.

What's the difference between my broken watch and a lesbian?

My watch hasn't got a strap on.

This joke may have profanity.

What programs do cultists watch shows on?

Ct-hulu

What are you watching tonight?

The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?

Why can't children watch pirate movies?

Because they're rated

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

What type of movie does a blind person watch?

Black and black movies.

Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?

He's trying to watch his sodium intake.

Why couldn't a kid watch a pirate movie?

Because it was rated R.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Coffee Mug

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do

What are mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

What is the best time to watch Predator?

Anytiiiiiiiiiime

What do you call the surveillance system that watches us all whilst we are in the bathroom?

The panoptijohn

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years.

What was the last thing the snowboarder ever said?

Hey guys, watch this!

What do the Golden State Warriors do when they're not playing basketball?

They watch moving picktures.

What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

What's a redneck's last words?

Hey, Watch This!

How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

What do you call an investment banker who's always watching you?

A stocker.

What bug has to watch it's sugar intake?

A dia-beetle

When drinking liquor while watching baseball, at what point will you be the most drunk?

Bottom of the fifth, of course.

What's worse than being stuck in traffic behind a driver that's vaping?

Realizing that your being intently watched for your reaction to their sic clouds - BEST RECOGNIZE!

What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show?

Are you ready for the next episode?

What's the best part about getting head from an infant?

Watching the soft spot move.

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch.

Why should you never watch a movie with a generous Nascar driver?

He might give away spoilers!

How many more times will I watch "A Walk To Remember" tonight?

As Mandy Moore times as I want to.

Why did Jon Snow wait in line at the Apple store?

For the watch.

How do you make beef stew?

Tell a cow they're being watched.

Where does the brown sugar go to watch a movie?

The Cinemon.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for another 15 years.

Where's Finnick?

Odair he is! Obligatory: My brother told this to me while watching Mockingjay P2.

Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday?

To watch Dablooney Toons!

How many Mormons does it take to drink a 12 pack of beer?

One if nobody is watching.

Why couldn't Mario ever watch Netflix with Peach?

Because the princess was always on another Castle.

What did Michael J. Fox's dad say when Michael J. Fox tried to parallel park?

Watch the Parking son.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?

Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.

What was the beef doing as he watched the salad dressing?

Stroganoff

Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store?

For the watch..

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

Why did Jon Snow need a new battery?

For the watch.

What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room?

You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time...

Why don't you buy your wife a watch?

There's already a clock on the stove

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey?

The games take 3 months to play!

Who is consistently the best pro sports team to watch in Minnesota?

The visitors.

What kind of TV show do felines watch?

Catoons

What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him?

Ayyyy watch it homes!

Why couldn't the pregnent women watch all of the Harry Potter movies?

Because they lactate.

What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog?

An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!

Why was the young snowflake so upset?

Because he just watched his mom get plowed.

Why dont applebees employees wear watches?

Cuz theres a clock on the microwave

Where does a cow go to watch a film?

The mooovies. pls tell to friends.

What phrase would a neckbeard who watches South Park use the most?

M'Kay

What anime do Mexicans watch?

Boku no Pico de Gallo

How do you fix a womans watch?

You dont. There is a clock on the oven.

What are a redneck's last two words before dying?

WATCH THIS!

What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Ya'll watch this!

What makes a grown man cry?

Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

Why couldn't the orphan watch the movie?

Because it was PG

What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with?

Smoked Muenster.

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?

It was unmiscible.

How does a poor man watch TV?

With binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.

What time of day are you not able to find your watch?

4:04

What is a 72?

A 69 with 3 people watching.

What kind of movies do pirates watch?

ARRRR Rated Movies!

Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?

They're all about force projection.

What sport do Japanese people watch?

Desuball

What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals?

The Lakers. (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals.) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke.

Where do people in Ghana go to watch football?

The Ghanarena

What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over?

Watch the second half.

What is the term for someone that gets aroused watching Star Wars?

They have a Bobba Fetish

What's worse than watching your brother do a double barrel roll over 15 cars on a motorbike?

Having to watch him do a half barrel roll over 8 of them. R.I.P. Bobby. Never forget.

What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?

A really good watch.

How many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but he'd have to watch Radiohead do it first.

Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

Ve haff vays of meking you tock.

What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches? A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies?

Watch this!

Why does Tyler Perry put his name on everything he makes?

So you know what shows to watch.

What's 72?

69 with 3 people watching!

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

What do vegetables watch when they're feeling frisky?

Cornography

Why do you never buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV?

The Patriots

How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

What is the saddest Olympic sport to watch?

Water Polio

What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?

The black ones steal your watch.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards?

A woman in her place...

Why does it take so long for a pro-lifer to screw in a lightbulb?

They love to watch mistakes being made.

What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common?

They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.

Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?

It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.

Why don't women wear watches?

Because there's a perfectly good clock on the stove

Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt?

It'd be a waste of time.

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Con Jokes More Con Jokes

What's a good thing about a novelist conman?

He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose.

Who's there! Con! Con who?

Con unhinged!

Watchdog Jokes More Watchdog Jokes

What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver?

Time to get a new watchdog.

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog?

A terrified postman.

Clock Jokes More Clock Jokes

Why can't clocks keep secrets?

Because, time will always tell.

Why did the girl spray her clock?

It was full of ticks.

Marriage Jokes More Marriage Jokes

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.

What two words result in the most marriages?

Screw it. EDIT: has a better answer

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm?

They'll both bite at anything!

How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don't know. Olive ewe Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101

Spirit Jokes More Spirit Jokes

Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

How can you tell when a bar is haunted?

It's full of Boo's and Spirits.

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?

Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.

Where's your wedding ring?

I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."

Wear Jokes More Wear Jokes

Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?

Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.

What do you call a cat wearing shoes?

Puss in boots!