Use Jokes

Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'

What does the aquarium janitor use to clean?

She uses all-porpoise cleaner!

What brand of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

Uni-ball

What's the difference between a $1000 used car and a Rolls-Royce?

One's a grand car and the other's a grand car

Which Norse God consistently uses VPNs?

Ill give you a hint, he remains very low-key.

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What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house?

They're both used to store nuts.

Why are most Hotwheel cars Ford?

So people can grow up getting used to pushing a Ford.

How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac?

They use Force quit.

Which hand did Henry VIII use to wipe his bottom with?

Anne Boleyn's.

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

They're used to disappointment.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Roll them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays?

Inflation

Why did the pet owner get upset with his parrot?

Because he was using too much fowl language

Which hotel does Link use when he goes on vacation?

The HYAT

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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What are pigskins used for?

Holding the pig together.

What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.

What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you?

Camembert

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

What file archiver do Tigers use?

Win-Rawr.

What type of pasta is no longer used in Canada?

Penny...

Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

What do you use to transport pittas?

A flatbread truck

What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair?

Caesars.

What's your favourite animal joke?

I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?

What do Mexican midgets use to cut pizza?

Little Caesars

Why do rappers love weed so much?

Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it

What do comic book collectors use in their hair?

Mint conditioner.

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?

Coffin

Why didn't the blond want to use her phone while using the bathroom?

She was afraid someone would steal her IP address.

Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

What do you use to cover a herpetarium floor?

Reptiles.

What shoes does ninjas use?

Sneakers.

What do you call it when your lizard doesn't know how to use the internet?

E-reptile dysfunction

What console does god use?

Praystation

Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?

BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE

Why should you never use r/television 's fridge to store mutton?

It always spoils the GoT.

What type of transporter does Mr. Scott use?

A Beemer.

How can you call someone and sound fabulous?

Use a homophone.

What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom?

Of chorus.

Why didn't the panda use a glove when playing baseball?

Because he caught everything bear handed!

What do you call the vehicle used to carry Henry VIII's second wife to the hospital?

An Anne-Boleyn-ce.

What's the difference between a potato and a vegetable...?

Not knowing how to use a coathanger...

Why do terrorist use Nokia phones?

So they can reuse the phone after the explosion

What cheese is used to block online streaming?

Edam

Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."