Use Jokes

What do Russians use to censor websites?

The Inter-nyet.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

Why the hell would I use turn signals?

I know where we're going.

Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins?

It was asbestos they could do at the time!

What programming language do they use in Star Wars?

JawaScript

What do logicians use to shave?

Occam's razor

What do you call a weapon used by a Canadian ninja?

Canuck-chucks.

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good?

Arcane-gel!

How are skunks able to avoid danger?

By using their instinks and common scents!

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

Uniball.

Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg?

Because he always uses a razor.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper?

It's finger licking good.

What do Amish people catch when they start using technology?

Mennonitis!

What moisturiser do bullfighters use?

Olay.

How Does Snoop Dogg Do His Laundry?

He uses a lot of BLEAYOTCH!

Why did the chicken run around screaming?

Because he had to use the bathroom.

Why couldn't the Jedi open the door?

He didn't use enough force...

How do you find white shirts on the Internet?

Use a starch engine.

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

What do pessimists use... Q: What do pessimists use to wash their clothes?

Deterrent.

What do rappers use to wash their clothes?

BLEEE-AAAACH!

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Everyday Deserves a Joke

What kind of CB Radio do seagulls use?

Squawky-talkies!

Why are ghosts always just moaning?

Did your manners die too Use your words!

What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes?

Rep Tiles

What satellite TV provider does ISIS use?

Daesh Network

Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon?

Dis counts!!

What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool?

A broad abroad on a board aboard.

Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he only had followers. Not friends.

What do builders use to make websites?

Com.crete.

What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

What will you be using the money for?

Me: "A divorce lawyer."

What did Russians use for light before candles?

Light bulbs

How long have you been waiting to use that joke?

He happily says, "Since 2009!"

Why don't vikings send e-mails?

They prefer to use Norse code.

What do you with 365 used rubbers?

Turn it into a tire and call it a goodyear.

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

What Social Media site do the undead use?

Tomblr.

How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?

Slow down and use some lube

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

What does Mario use to get his hot dogs off the grill?

He uses his Donkey Tongs.

Why can't a vegetable win an argument?

Cuz he always uses a straw, man!

How did Mario bring back his brother after he got a Game Over?

He used a Luigi Board.

What do you use to search for anime in Google?

Weabooleans

What do you call an outdated joke that, while sharp, has little potential for laughs?

I used to know, but then I took an arrow to the knee

What do you call two guys using the same urinal?

Peers

What version of windows does Jesus use?

XP Edit: Explanation(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChiRho)

What products do I use for grooming?

She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook."

What gun do you use to hunt a moose?

A moosecut!

Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?

Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

An im-paw-ster.

Why was the skeleton using the Internet?

To bone up on his schoolwork.

What kind of drugs do ducks use?

Quack.

What type of currency do people use in outer space?

STARbucks.

Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?

I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

What does Popeye use to toss his salad?

Olive Oil.

How does Google clean their facilities?

They use Google Mops.

What online image hosting service do puppies use to post their puppy pictures?

Imgrrrrrrr

What did the 80 grit sandpaper say to the 36 grit sandpaper?

You're a little rougher than I'm used to, but I'll grit and bear it. I'm sorry, that joke was a little rough ;D

What did the soldier use to season his fries?

A salt rifle.

What does Mario use to talk to dead people?

A Luigi Board

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!

Why did the fastest animal on earth got disqualified on the race?

Because it is using steroids.

What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control?

Parents.

Why dose the navy use liquid soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?

EFISHancy!

How does Bill Gates enter his house?

A. He uses "windows".

How do you cure the bird flu versus swine flu?

One you use tweetment and the other, oinkment

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

How do snails get their shells all shiny?

They use snail Polish.

What do you use to gamble on vacation?

Pair-a-dice!

What do you use to find Greek restaurants?

A gyroscope.

Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?

They have to use their Endor voices.

What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?

That's grounds for divorce!

What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.

Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?

Because they were for test porpoise only

How do you divide old Rome?

Using a pair of Caesars.

How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

They use a Chopin Liszt!

Why did the mummy stop using the Internet?

He was getting far too wrapped up in it.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

How do you make a song better using cement?

By remixing it.

What do you call a Winston using his Jetpack?

A Boosted Animal

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's baton?

A magicians wand is used for cunning stuns.

How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?

He used a skeleton key.

What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning?

I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off

What streaming site do eldritch horrors use?

Cth-Hulu

Why did the little boy use his inhaler?

No wheezin'

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray.

What kind of tableware do gym trainers use?

Pilates

How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game?

Marsh-Mellows

What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?

Paypal

How is she?

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.

Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?

Because they use a strongly typed language.

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch.

You might also enjoy:

Type Jokes More Type Jokes

What type of cheese is not yours?

Nacho cheese!!!

What type of bonds deals with the bad guys?

James

People Jokes More People Jokes

Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.

What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?

People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.

Steal Jokes More Steal Jokes

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one?

You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time

Operating System Jokes More Operating System Jokes

What kind of operating system do horses use?

None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.

What operating system does Varys have on his computer?

Unix

Phone Jokes More Phone Jokes

What kind of phone does a burglar use?

A no-key-a

What are you doing on your phone?

Bugs Bunny replies, "Eh, Whatsapp Doc."

Screen Jokes More Screen Jokes

Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?

What are our scientists doing

What is the difference between a Windows Phone and a brick?

One is a brick and the other is a brick with a screen

Air Jokes More Air Jokes

What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

What type of lunch do you get at an air show?

A plain one.

China Jokes More China Jokes

Why did the Chinese Government cross the road?

THE PUNCHLINE OF THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA, PLEASE REMAIN CALM WHILE WE WILL DEAL WITH THE OP IN A CIVIL MANNER.

Where do the Chinese study?

In the Pupils republic of China