Use Jokes

Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?

What do you have when you just used the toilet and realized there's no toilet paper?

A real mess on your hands.

What do you do with old cannon balls?

Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What do you use to cut the ocean?

A seasaw

What does the Pope use to dry his hands?

Papal towels.

What kind of soap do Middle Eastern citizens use?

Arab spring

What does Batman use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon.

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What is it that is yours, but others use it more than you?

Your name

How do you save a drowning mouse?

Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence?

The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow.

Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake?

Someone else's!

What is the most common question asked by iPhone users?

Does anyone have a charger I could use

Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween?

They're used to people 'goblin' them!

What do Australians use for sun burns?

Aloe, mate. I'm sorry

How do you stop your children from smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Is just not as challenging since she started using foursquare.

Why can't ewoks yell in the house?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

How did the shellfish win the underwater beauty pageant?

Using saxitoxin.

How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?

A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!

Why do we always ran out of toothpicks?

Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using.

What does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella for?

Fo Drizzle!

Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

How does a plant walk?

It uses a plant stand.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

Because they don't like conventional ovens.

What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?

"Use the fork, Luke."

What do you call it when you have enough money to but a truck from 4 different people who used to cross small bodies of water?

You can afford four fjord forders' fords.

How do you subdue a large snake?

You use a boa restrictor

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?

A.It's cloged up with paper plates.

What program do Jedi use to PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?

OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.

Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio?

He stopped believing in stereotypes.

Why did the farmer use a steam roller?

He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.

What did scrooge mcduck use to educate huey, dewey and louie?

Duck tapes

What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?

Papal

What do you call using Tinder while you are in the bathroom?

A swipe and wipe.

When driving through fog what should you use?

Your car.

What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it?

A casket

What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks

What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes?

A TV Tropism.

What do Mexicans use with the Wii-U?

Amiigo

Why do pterodactyls use the bathroom so quietly?

Because their p is quiet.

Why did the baseball player fail at the math test?

He used base 3.

What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?

The cast-a-net.

What small plant is used in war?

The millitree.

Who's there! Buster! Buster who?

Buster tire can I use your phone!

What kind of tape do kidnappers use?

AbDUCT tape

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?

Camembert!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

IN HIS SLEEVIES! Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.

What currency do they use in space?

Star Bucks.

Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?

This guy.

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

What kind of money does Mario use?

8-bitcoins

What is owned by you but mostly... What is owned by you but mostly used by others?

Your name! -

Why doesn't Ganon use the Internet?

There were too many Links.

Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee?

Because they hate the French Press. (This joke used to be more topical)

What language do bill boards use?

Sign language.

When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet?

BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion

What do you call people who use the "pull out" method for contraception?

Parents.

Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?

It takes longer to pick up

How is a marriage like a hot bath?

Once you get used to it it's not so hot.

Why doesn't Thor of the insect world use a hammer?

He's already got a Thor Axe.

Why can't a nihilist use a pencil?

Because they cant find the point.

Why did the duck get kicked out of church?

Because he was using fowl language!

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What pdf reader do Jedis use?

The Adobe-Wan Kenobi Reader

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubricant.

How do you fix a broken pizza?

Use tomato paste.

What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave?

Shoplifting

Why do spies never use capitalization?

They like to stay low-key.

How do ghosts navigate the ocean?

They use boo-eys.

What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone?

Sans Sheriff.

What part of the house does a ghost not use?

The living room

What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower?

Mint conditioner.

What is the most common phrase used in school?

Pupil: I don't know Teacher: Correct!

What gym equipment does Jesus use?

A cross trainer.

How are your English lessons coming along?

Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.

What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar?

Her/she

Why use 2 A's in the name Aaron?

Why not 17 What's stopping us

What kind of currency do they use in space?

Starbucks

Why do they call the 3 musketeers.. musketeers?

Not one of them uses a musket =(justsayian

What is the best way to find out if someone is ticklish?

Use your test tickles

How do you contact dead window cleaners?

Use a squeegee board.

How do I find answers using Google.com?

On Yahoo Answers. Stand by while the internet divides itself by zero.

How do industrial robots communicate with humans?

They use a conveyor belt.

What do Asgardians use to keep food hot?

A Thormos.

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Matter Jokes More Matter Jokes

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy?

Because he thinks it doesn't matter if you make it or not

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

Why doesn't Bono like Google?

He still hasn't found what he's looking for.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster showed up for the ball?

You look quite put-together this evening.

Bathroom Jokes More Bathroom Jokes

What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

One has a job.

Why can't the porcelain king go to the bathroom?

He was dethroned.

Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why did the chicken double-cross the road?

To change sides.

Why did the nihilist cross the road?

It doesn't matter.

Blender Jokes More Blender Jokes

What's green and red and goes 100 mph?

A frog in a blender.

What do you get when you put your hand in a blender?

A hand shake.

Screen Jokes More Screen Jokes

How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds?

Please wait...

How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

The screen stays black when you check the time.

Jordan Jokes More Jordan Jokes

What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes?

Herr Jordan

Why do all travelers use the road to get to Jordans most popular destination?

Because they're all Petra-flied of using the air!

Porpoise Cleaner Jokes More Porpoise Cleaner Jokes

What do dolphins use to stay clean?

All-porpoise cleaner.

What does the aquarium janitor use to clean?

She uses all-porpoise cleaner!