Steal Jokes

Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.

Why is Superman wanted by the police?

He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.

What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet?

The Tie of the Igor.

Why should you never play Uno with a foreigner?

Because they will always steal the green cards.

What is it called when a thief steals a purse, runs into the street, then gets run over?

What does Santa and Hackers have in common?

They both steal cookies)

Why did Vanilla Ice steal a can of hair spray?

Because the label said, "Contents Under Pressure" Got this joke from my brother

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

Because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Who steals from the poor and gives to the rich?

Robbin' hood

How did robbers gain entry to steal from Miley Cyrus?

They came in like a wrecking ball.

What do you call a duck that likes to steal?

A Robber Ducky!

What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?

He got a way with words.

What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon?

The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from.

What will the results of the next election be?

No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!

What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold?

Iron Pirate

Why was Cleopatra angry?

She was on her pyramid. Stolen from Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

Who's the founder of the Japanese Wikipedia?

Yojimbo Wales! (Joke stolen from co-worker)

What would you tell someone who is attempting to steal your cheese (hint: not "nacho cheese")?

Leave my provolone!

What do you call a dog with no legs and balls of steal?

Sparkie.

What is that white thing in my pork&beans?

The Queen Bean. *Blatantly stolen from Ren & Stimpy

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing?

That's not my stile.

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Greg.

Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

What did the last-place olympian say after someone stole his sled?

What have I got to luge

Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties?

Because they always steal doubloons

What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver?

I'm at your service ma'am.

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

It stole the show!

What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?

One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.

Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder

What is the definition of Robin?

A bird who steals!

Why did the French chef go to the police?

Escargot stolen.

What does a witch do if her broom is stolen?

She calls the flying squad!

What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one?

You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time

How did they invent break dancing?

Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf?

In case you get a hole-in-one (stolen from some girl at school)

Who else would've stolen it?

You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?

A stole.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

Why did the prison board decide to build the new prison out of concrete?

The old one was made of steal.

How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs?

He was delighted.

What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?

One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.

What did Jonathan Ross say after breaking in to a large kitchen to steal some utensils?

It was worth the whisk

What do you call it when someone steals your footrest?

Grand Theft Ottoman

Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

Because he had my grains

Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?

Click Turpin

What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell?

Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*

What do you call a stolen tamole?

A hot tamole

What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils?

A whisk taker.

Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff She's a criminal mastermind.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?

Bed buglars.

What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee?

A Mugging.

What happened to the Polish National Library?

Someone stole the book.

Who steals all the soap in the bathroom?

The robber ducky

What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?

He was convicted of fragrancy.

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

Because everything is a steal.

What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen?

Carlos.

Which birds steal soap from the bath?

Robber ducks!

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

What's black and steals your change?

Vending machines.

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