Life Jokes

He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

How's life?

She asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."

Why do the bald seem to handle life so much better than the rest?

They're always eager for more on their pate.

What is a French bakers lifestyle like?

Its a life of pain

How did the hail stone describe it's life?

It really has a lot of ups and downs

What is life like for a wood worm?

Boring!

What did Earth say to the Sun?

My life revolves around you!

What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life?

HINDsight

What does one chauvinist say to the other?

There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!

What did earth say to the other planet?

You guys have no life!

Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy?

Because he only made a good buccaneer.

What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life?

May my thoughts be with them.

What's a joke?

My life...

What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?

Well it pizza heck out of me.

How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up?

The rest of your life.

What should you do when life gives you melons?

Get tested for dyslexia.

What did earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life!

Why was the Xbox 360 named as it was?

Cos when I seen one i turnt 360 degrees and walked away Playstation for life

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?

He has to grin and bare it.

Why do people buy fruit already cut up?

There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.

What is Mr. Corn's philosophy on life?

Life is a maze.

Why did the calendar give up on life?

Because he felt his days were numbered.

What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?

Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window

What is every blonde's ambition in life?

To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...

When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

When it gets a handle on life.

Why is there no life on Mars?

No WiFi...

Why is Facebook such a hit?

It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.

What's life like in North Korea?

Oh, I can't complain.

How is life at the post office going?

It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness

Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?

He went to Jared.

How fast are black people allowed to go on the highway?

25 to Life.

What are you doing with your life?

I'm up.

Why did Mario lose a life?

He stubbed his MiyamoToe....I'll see my way out.

What did the cheese maker say to his son after he dropped the cheese?

That's no whey to go through life, son.

What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

An Opti-Mystic.

What's life like in the year 3000?

It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

What did the spider say to the bee?

Your honey or your life!

How's my life?

Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".

Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?

A statistician.

Where have you been my whole life?

I said "SOBER"

What's a life without manitees?

A life with out porpoise.

Why was the Headless Horseman depressed?

He could never seem to get ahead in life.

What did the CPU say to the RAM?

Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.

Where have you been all my life?

Please go back there.

What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?

A meme-oir

What's on a gangster artist's t-shirt?

Still Life.

Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?

Why do we have to do all the work

Why do we all marry?

Because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon?

Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)

Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin?

Because his life is at stake.

What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

He made melon-ade

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

How do tree surgeons live?

Life on the hedge!

What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life?

A fish

Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?

They were on the Earth before it was cool.

Why do Butchers don't risk it all in life?

Because the Steaks are too high.

Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life?

Myrrhder

What do you do if life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic.

Why do rpg characters like potions so much?

Because they're always the life of the party!

Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time?

He's Ben Solo his whole life

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff...

What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?

Life is like a box of chocolates...

How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

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