Time Jokes

You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said

Which pizza shop's business is like it's name?

Dominoes. Falling one at a time.

What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common?

They both know when it's time to turn things over.

What happens to garlic sauce over time?

The sausages.

What do you call a reptile...?

What do you call a reptile who says "But Cowardly Lion......You've had courage..... This entire....Time"?

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why did the man break the clock?

He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.

How does a Mexican build a house?

Juan nail at a time.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes? My all time favorite joke. Sorry if it has already been posted but who has the time to browse all of.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

When is the only time you can park like a retard?

In a handicapped spot.

What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?

Government bonds mature over time and earn money

Why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke?

Because it was too cheesy. I work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time.

What did the time traveller do after he ate the last bite of his dinner?

He went back 4 seconds.

What's upside down and downside up at the same time?

A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

How did the hour and minute hands of the clock get cancer?

Second hand smoking! My own joke that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Time to see how it goes.

How do Mexican peanuts tell time?

Cacawatches

Why was the stadium so cool?

It was full of fans. Thank thank you for your time

How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?

I'm Thor

What are your best "If I had for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Around Ten-ish.

What time does an Asian go to the dentist?

Toof Hurty.

What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom?

Time to go to sweep.

What kind of line gets thicker and thinner at the same time?

A line of marathon runners

What does Batman's mum shout when it's time for dinner?

Nothing. She's dead.

What can you make and break at the same time?

A racket.

Why should you be sure to pay your exorcist on time?

You wouldn't want to get repossessed!

How many times does 1 go into 0?

As Many Times As It Wants!

When did the Chinese man know it was time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. A long list of viola jokes:

How can you tell baseball players are smarter than football players?

When was the last time you saw a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?

What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant girl have in common?

Failure to pull out in time

How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

When the big hand touches the little hand

Who's there? Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball Z Who?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z

What do you give and take at the same time?

A poop

What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time?

Dinosore

What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time?

Not Yeti

Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt?

It'd be a waste of time.

What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common?

Someone didn't pull it out in time.

What's up with that horse?

Sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

What animal do I respect most?

The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?

Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open?

Ten-ish

What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called?

Dr Whoover

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

How can you tell an old person from a young person?

An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

They're not infallible

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