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Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

I Love Pizza & You
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Why is Tigger always dirty?

Because he plays with Pooh

What do monsters play when they are in the bus?

Squash.

What is the definition of a minor 2nd chord?

Two flutists playing in unison.

What's going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago. Me: Wow! New record.

What do you call a chicken that can play tennis?

A Henman.

What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.

Why did the milk cow want the role of the camel in the nativity play so badly?

She thought she was a dromedary.

What kind of baseball do burgers play?

Ketchup baseball!

Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?

Because of all the cheetahs!

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes
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When fish play football who is the captain?

The team's kipper!

How do you stop the neighbours kids from playing in your yard?

Molest them

Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?

I replied.

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

I'll be Bach.

How can one get rid of the echo while playing a movie?

Get some furniture

What do you call a person who plays the viola?

A violator.

What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth?

Tooth (truth) or Consequences.

Why did the midget get kicked out of the putt putt course?

Because he wanted to play minijerkoff.

What do you call a rock group of 4 men who don't sing or play music?

Mount Rushmore. Or Nickelback. I'm so sorry.

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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What's the worst prank you can play on a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

Why couldn't Cinderella play soccer?

She always ran away from the ball

Whats the worst joke you can play on an American?

Two pies to the face and one somewhere in a field in Pennsylvania.

What does a barber yell when he plays hide-and-go-seek?

Ready or not, hair I comb!

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?

One.

How will I know when I'm an adult?

And I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'

Why can't dogs play hockey?

They always get called for roughing.

Who's there! Blair! Blair who?

Blair play!

Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

Because he has holes in his hands

Love
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Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?

It wanted to play squash.

Why can't DJs play pool?

They always scratch.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?

She fell out of the tree.

Where does the Internet football team play?

Webley.

Why can't Jesus play Football?

He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal

What position does your brother play in the school football team?

Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks!

What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play?

Don't get your sheets dirty!

Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Why is Riot Fest going to be in Toronto?

They play music, not hockey.

What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?

Prankenstein!

What's the most played song at Amish parties?

Churn Down For What

What instrument does God play?

He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

Why is that my son?

Son: Because...Walking dead Intro/outro plays loud

What do rodents say when they play bingo?

Eyes down for a full mouse'!

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh

What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio

Where the hell did you get?

The barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

Why don't I play chess with the Prodigy?

They smack my bishop

How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it?

Play the piano until you find the right key.

What do you call it when you play Nintendo games because you have nothing better to do?

Ennwii

Why doesn't Gabe Newell play basketball?

Because he can't make 3's

When does Sean Connery enjoy playing his favorite sport?

Ten-ish.

What childhood game are orphans not aloud to play?

House.

What is Polish roulette?

It's similar to Russian roulette, but instead of a revolver it's played with an automatic pistol.

What video game console can you not be upset while playing?

The Nomad

Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?

He was too much of a bully!

What game did the dentist play when she was a child?

Caps and robbers

Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors?

Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

Why do artists never win when they play football?

They keep drawing!

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

What Do You Call Adrian Peterson Playing Baseball?

A switch hitter.

Why couldn't Robin play cricket?

Because he lost his bat, man.

What do German kids play on the playground?

Guten tag!

How do porcupines play leapfrog?

Very carefully

Who.. Plays The Guitar.. Boy: How Do i play the guitar?

Girls: You Should be on TV for your talent. Boy: Am i so good..... Boy: if you were on TV, i can atleast switch it off...

Why do Congo gamers refuse to play with Belgians?

They're afraid of getting owned

Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?

Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child

What do you call a play about a dictionary?

A pun!

Why can't you play hide and go seek with a Pokemon?

Because he'll peek-at-chu!

How does a dog play Hendrix on guitar?

With a chihuahua pedal.

What do you call a group of whales playing music together?

An Orcastra

How do you know you are at r/jokes?

The guys all look like they played football for Bronx HighSchool of Science

Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?

A new age song.

What kind of music can't Ed Sheeran play?

Soul

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball it drives them nuts!

How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

Depends on how many were photographed.

What song was playing at Pulse last Saturday night?

It's Raining Men

How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V?

Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!

What do you call an aardvark that plays poker?

A cardvark!

Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?

Catch.

What did you do at school today?

Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.

Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

Who played Gandalf in the Islamic version of Lord of the Rings?

Syrian Mckellen

What did they call it when NHL officials refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league?

Rink injustice!

Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships?

Because I ran

Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball

What do turtles do for fun?

Play hide and shell.

Why couldn't the leopard play Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

Because he was always spotted.

Where is the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital?

In the I.C.U.

What song can never be played on #throwback Thursday?

Friday by Rebecca Black

How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

Ask them if they play league.

How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?

You can almost hear them.

What did Saddam Hussein say every time he played pool?

I rack.

How can you always break even at the casino?

Play the change machines.

How does Chris Martin play monopoly?

With a paira, paira, pairadice

Which one is the boy you've been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports?

Because she always ran away from the ball &ltp&gt My favorite joke since I was little

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Son Jokes More Son Jokes

What's the capital of Ohio?

Son: ... Me: It's also a famous explorer. Son: Dora Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

What did the overbearing mother melon say to her son and his girlfriend?

You Cantaloupe.

Audience Jokes More Audience Jokes

How does Times Square start the new year?

By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

Rapper Jokes More Rapper Jokes

Why do rappers love weed so much?

Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it

What do you call a group of rappers in a washing up bowl?

In Sink!

Musician Jokes More Musician Jokes

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

What do you call a guy who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

A drummer!!!!!

Knock Jokes More Knock Jokes

Why doesn't America knock?

Because freedom rings

What do you get by cross-breeding a jehovahs witness and an atheist?

Someone who pointlessly knocks on the door.

Rock Jokes More Rock Jokes

Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Subscriber Jokes More Subscriber Jokes

What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common?

Both think the shorter the better.

Why haven't any subscribers to r/TheRedPill played Overwatch yet?

They don't play the beta.

Boston Jokes More Boston Jokes

What does a Boston terrier sound like?

Bahk bahk. Wicked bahk.

How long does it take to fly to Boston?

The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.