Man Jokes

What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

What is strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand...

What do you call a Microbiologist who travels the world?

A Man of many Cultures

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?

It was in A-minor

What do all men at single's bars have in common?

They're married.

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Why do feminist hate the Bible?

Because it ends with A-men

What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door?

Just one if its lochte'd

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.

How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys?

A crowbar.

What's a blind mans worst fear?

A prius

How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

What did the man say after Michael Jackson stole his coat?

Hey that's mycoat Jackson!

What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy?

OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!

What does a man call a gorilla he loves?

Haram Bae

What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?

The back of my hand.

Whats the difference between a man and a government bond?

The bond matures.

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What is the difference between a man falling from a 2nd floor and a man falling from an 8th floor?

That the man that falls from the 2nd floor does: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH While the man falling from the 8th floor does: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Why do men like breasts so much?

They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.

How do you know the high heel was invented by men?

Who else invents things?

What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

He parks his car, man.

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Dug

What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers?

Russell.

How Does a Woman Make a Man a Millionaire?

When he's a billionaire.

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

What's the difference between a man biking to a job interview and a clown on a unicycle?

Attire.

What separates man from animal?

The Atlantic Ocean.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano?

Anakin Skywalker. (Happy Geek Pride Day!)

What superheroes refuse to fight in North Carolina?

The X-Men

Why couldn't the man marry the melon?

It was a cantaloupe.

What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?

I regret nutting!!!

Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?

Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

What do you do when you see a fire man?

Put it out man!

What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?

He fell on his ash.

Why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to!

Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?

So he could save his stool.

What do you call a man wearing two rain jackets?

Max

What did the fly say to the other fly?

Your man is open!

What happened to the man running in front of a car?

He got tired. The man running behind the car -- he got exhausted.

How many men does it take to moderate /r/MensRights?

None. There are no there.

What is a woman?

Man with a uterus somewhere

What super hero league is Caitlyn Jenner part of?

The X-Men

Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?

Because he thought it wood look better!

What does Wolverine and Caitlin Jenner have in common?

They're both X-Men.

What is the Revenant about?

The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.

Why did the man steal mushrooms from the store?

Because he had no.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them!

What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying "I drink coffee"?

Her saying "I drink it black, like my men"

What did the man who ate a clock say?

That was time consuming but I still want seconds.

Why did the man get kicked out of the "Russian" bar?

Because he walked in.

Why didn't the life guard save the hippy?

Beacuse he was to "far out man".

Why did the man name his daughter Candy?

She was the sweetest mistake he ever made.

What seperates man from animal?

Divorce!

What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk?

Lack-toes intolerant

Why are there so many more men in the military?

Because ladies go in first.

How many possibilities does a man with no arms and legs have?

Limbitless

What did the giant wave say to the man?

Nothing he just waved. Sea what I did there? Sorry sometimes I get a bit carried away, it like a tsunami of puns. Water these puns! they're horrible, I'll stop now.

What do you call a man chasing a car?

Exhausted What do you call a man being chased by a car? -Tired

What do you call a man who can smell the future?

Nostrildamus

How is a Christmas tree like a man who's had a vasectomy?

They both have ornamental balls.

What is the difference between a man and a woman?

What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get?

Man.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled behind a boat?

Skip

What has 2 legs but doesn't use them?

A man named Bob running down a train track (only Asians will understand)

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?

He was too far out man!!

Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out man

What do you call transgender superheroes?

X-Men.

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Whats the name of a bodybuilder whose a fan of the X-Men?

Love Card

What do you call a man with no shin?

How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?

What do you call a hippie that is out at sea on a raft?

What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?

What do you call a man with no knees?

Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact?

What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned?

What rock group have four men that don't sing?

Whats the biggest difference between men and women?

What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

Love

Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?

Why do women live longer than men?

Why did the man marry a monkey?

How do men in New Zealand address their women?

What do you call a man with no religion?

How do mathematicians count x-men?

What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?

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What do men and Subway have in common?

What is worse, balancing on a 100meter high rope or getting a BJ from a man?

What do you call a man with no body and a nose?

What did the man say when he ran out of clothes?

What do you mean he's your half son?