Man Jokes

What do you call a man doing dishes?

Single.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Why did Erdogan stop a man from jumping off a bridge?

One does not simply fly in Turkish airspace without Erdogan's permission.

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

Why did the genie turn the man into a toad?

He rubbed him the wrong way.

What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women?

A Biplane.

Why don't married men live as long as single men?

They don't want to!

How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

How do you call sons of australians and germans?

Men at Work

How does a woman fix a ceiling problem?

She complains to a man.

What is the only man made object visible from space?

Holland.

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

Why are Cal Tech and MIT constantly Fighting?

Because MIT blames Cal Tech for stealing their Feynman, and there will never be another man as Fine.

What do you call a man who makes fart scented candles?

Incense-itive

What did the SJW say to the man who appropriated culture?

That's inappropriate.

What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work?

It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..

How do men and women fill the fuel tank differently?

Men jiggle the nozzle afterwards.

Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?

She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.

What do Canadian women put behind their ears to attract men?

Their ankles!

Why did James Bond higher a man with Parkinson's to be his butler?

He likes his drinks shaken, not stirred.

What did Nietzsche tell his editor when he finished writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra?

It's over, man.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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How do we know Jesus was a man?

We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.

Why did a man bring a ladder to the party?

He heard the drinks were on the house.....

What did the man say to the fly?

Hey.. you're looking fly

What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?

You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

How did the ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

Why did Kirk and Spock march into the woman's restroom?

They were boldly going where no man has gone before

How does a Syrian family have a meal?

The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.

Why didn't the man go to dat place?

Cuz dis-place-ment a lot to him.

What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men?

Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?

Because he's alive.

What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on?

It twerked.

What do you get a man who has everything?

Storage

What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between a man who owns a gun and a man who owns a bank?

A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)

What do you call it when a man is given an order to take another man out lunch?

A MANDATE

What did one renewable power source say to the other?

How did I wind up here I don't know man just go with the flow.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs that falls into a body of water?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire?

Bernie.

What's his name?

A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will

Why do women like men who can work on cars?

They know how to work under the hood!

Why do men like BMWs?

Because they can spell it.

What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men?

Live Jasmine

What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?

I'm not letting you cook dinner again

What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building?

Don't do it! You have so much potential!

What do you call a man with a fetish for US currency who works on a dairy farm?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

Why does the army want to only recruit married men?

Because they don't want a man lost!

What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan?

No home oh

What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other?

A surgeon.

What did Captain Cook say to his men just before they got back in the ship?

Get back in the ship, men!

How many Vietnam War Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

You don't know man, you weren't there!

How do they separate the men from the boys in Athens?

With a crowbar.

What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium?

WATER YOU DOING

What's a blind mans favorite car?

A cataract

What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction?

One can... "Get Hard"

What do you call a man that marries another man?

A minister! Courtesy of a patient.

What did the empty beer bottle say to the other beer bottle?

I'm just not hoppy anymore man

Why did Kanye blow up the bakery?

Because no one man should have all that flour.

What did the elephant say to the man?

Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn?

To scare off Cat burglars!

Why the big pause................................?

Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.

What's a man in a hurry like to drink?

Man-go juice!

Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?

Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?

I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar

Why is Superman wanted by the police?

He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.

Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..?

He was tired of coffin.

Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die?

He was in de-Nile.

Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die?

Because he was in de-Nile.

What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job?

A man who is outstanding in his field.

How are blizzards and men alike?

You don't know when they're coming, you don't know how many inches you'll get, and you don't know long they'll last

What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

Yes, I'm completely sure.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me".

Why did the man hire a Mexican gardener?

Because he was good at pulling weed

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What do you call a man with one arm?

Hand Solo

What do you give to a man who has everything?

Penicillin

What did the man do after listening to a Pink Floyd album for two hours?

Skip to the next track

What do you call a man with no arms?

Anything you want. He is 'armless

Why do women make better pilots than men?

They only have one joystick to worry about.

Why doesn't men use make-up or perfume?

Because we're beautiful and smell good!

Why do men stare at a woman's breasts?

To prove they can focus on two things at once.

Why Latvian man did cross road?

Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob.

What did the mayonnaise say to the man opening the fridge door?

Don't look. I'm dressing.

Why do we say dogs are man's best friend? Why not say dogs are man's and woman's best friend?

Because diamonds are a woman's best friend.

Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?

All of those guys already have boyfriends.

Whats the odd one out?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

How did he die?

The rock is kyptonite and the man is Superman.

Why did the man throw duck food at Nurse Jackie?

Because she was a quack.

What's the difference between a School and an ISIS training ground?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Why did the man with a stammer never get out of jail?

He couldn't finish his sentence.

Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?

It was unmiscible.

What separates the men from the boys?

Operation Yewtree.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a hair cut?

A barbecue

Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle?

Because He-Man has the power.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a man?

Just one, if you put it in the right place.

Why did man invent the shipping cart?

To teach women how to stand on their hind legs.

Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?

It didn't protect him from harmful rays Edit: Steve Irwin was the man. RIP

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Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?

Try picking it up. If you can't it's either a monster or a giant banana.

What's the difference between a baby and a tree?

Trees don't bleed when you cut their limbs off.

Person Jokes More Person Jokes

What do you call a person who is outside a door and has no arms nor legs?

Matt

How many things do you need to change a lightbulb?

3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What's the 4th grade essay in the Detroit School District?

What I want to be *if* I grow up.

What do clouds want to be when they grow up?

Thunderstorms

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

What do you get for the women who has everything?

A divorce, then she'll only have half of everything.

Hide Jokes More Hide Jokes

What's a narcoleptics favorite game?

Hide and go sleep.

Who is the hardest person to find in hide and seek?

Daniel Morcombe

Satisfy Jokes More Satisfy Jokes

How did the blind priest find the choir boys?

Satisfying.

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

Black Man Jokes More Black Man Jokes

How is Batman different from a black man?

Batman can go in a store without Robin.

What do you say when the Batmobile drives by?

Na na na na na na na na BAT MAN What do you say when a stolen Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BLACK MAN

Live Jokes More Live Jokes

What lives in apples and is an avid reader?

A bookworm!

What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause?

He knows where all the naughty girls live #*()*