Wife Jokes

What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common?

Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?

A stole.

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?

Rugs and kisses!

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

What are you praying for?

Husband: For guidance. Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!!

Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

What do wives and shingles have in common?

If you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

What else?

You've walked out of wife

What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?

Asks his wife. "31 black"

How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

How long have we had that pillow?

Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Who are you & what are you doing in my house?

Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad

Why did Lot leave his wife?

She became salty.

What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?

Dual air bags.

What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?

I'll be back in a jiffy

What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted?

Brigham Young

Why did the stoner take his wife to court?

He wanted to get joint custody.

What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

Anne hath a way.

What's dad's best one-liner?

My wife.

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hog and kisses!

Which ones?

Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What do Romans say when their wives run away?

Caesar!

What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding?

Nothing, he already said it twice.

Why did Spock dump his wife?

Because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so

What can I get for you?

Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked M: By anyone other than my wife

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

Why do woman out live men?

They don't have wives

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison?

Congee-gal visit

What is a sailor's favorite letter?

From his wife back home

Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives?

Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Where are the groceries?

ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

How's the baby?

Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

What did the Cannibal get for dinner after offending his wife?

The cold shoulder.

What did the cactus say to his wife?

Aloe Vera!

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?

A snowmobile!

What gets bigger every time I see my wife?

My wife.

What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge?

No, Woman, no pie.

Who r they 2 stop u?

Boy: My wife &amp 2 kids.

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it

What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

I'm not coming in *this morning*

What did the Gorilla call his first wife?

His prime-mate!

When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield?

You can actually get through the minefield alive.

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

What did Jay-Z call his wife-to-be?

Feyonce.

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?

On a blind date

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

Stop talking in secret code.

How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses Me: Almost 1.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why?

She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

He proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?

Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?

Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?

It's a bouqet of forget-me-knots.

What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket?

I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

What did my wife say to me?

I want a divorce

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?

He liked to chop and change!

Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

Because they finish each other's sentences

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

What's the definition of a Polygamist?

Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What belongs to me but is used the most by others?

My ex-wife

What do you love most my natural beauty or my body?

Wife: Your sense of humor.

Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!

Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

Why do they call boats "she"?

Because the wives had to get on board somehow.

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Ughs and kisses!

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

Babe, it's a valve!

What's the difference between my wife and the dress?

The dress is white and gold

Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

Where are the posters?

WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

Why did you name your son Tinnitus?

I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.

How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend?

Explaining his wife.

What's the difference between wife and a blue whale?

About 10 pounds.

Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion?

He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".

How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge?

Tequila

When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?

When I do her hair: "How about a hat "

What is 10 years with me?

Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

What is a traitor?

A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.

Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

Why were the 2 in love melons upset?

Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)

What happens if you sing country music backwards?

You get your job and your wife back.

What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?

Recalculating route.

What's the difference between my erection and my motorcycle?

My wife actually looks forward to riding the motorcycle.

Why couldn't the Engineer Manager screw his wife?

Sorry I don't have the tools, I only supervise.

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

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What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

A coconut