Because he just couldn't bereave it.
His Ex-Wife.
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.
Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!
Because my wife wore the wrong socks.
An attic door can shut up. im going to hell
She named him Oedipus.
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.
About 60 pounds.
Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.
Acting surprised.
Who are you
Because their wives are driving.
About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend 45 minutes
A dependent Claus.
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me petting a bee: You're not strange are you Alan
Because his wife needs him.
Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*
They want to.
HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!
Me too*
Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got Five
Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.
A stole.
Rugs and kisses!
Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions
Husband: For guidance. Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!!
He just needed a little bit of Clojure.
If you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.
You've walked out of wife
Asks his wife. "31 black"
When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh
Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad
She became salty.
Dual air bags.
I'll be back in a jiffy
Brigham Young
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"
He wanted to get joint custody.
Monotonous. Bonus answer from my wife: a noose.
Anne hath a way.
ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don't do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what
My wife.
Hog and kisses!
Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble
Caesar!
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
Nothing, he already said it twice.
He was all over his wife at the parade
You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.
Because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so
Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked M: By anyone other than my wife
Because he was a neck-romancer....
They don't have wives
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
Congee-gal visit
From his wife back home
On a blind date!
Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
Snowblower
The cold shoulder.
Aloe Vera!
A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.
A snowmobile!
Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.
No, Woman, no pie.
Honey, why the wrong face
Boy: My wife & 2 kids.
I'm sorry but I love another Juan.
Their wives just wouldn't stand for it
I'm not coming in *this morning*
His prime-mate!
WIFE: I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
You can actually get through the minefield alive.
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.
If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor
Feyonce.
They have to find babysitters for their wives.
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*
On a blind date
Stop talking in secret code.
Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses Me: Almost 1.
You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes.
She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
It's Christmas, Eve!
God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I did not see that coming.
He proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
Darth Vader.
Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...
Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
Because it had no guts.
Because he didn't have the guts to fart.
Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
They're not infallible
WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Wheeee!
Make sure your doors are locked and windows bolted shut.
The door.
A maize runner. Credit goes to my girlfriend.
KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.
A wishy-washy Washer washer.
100. 1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.
Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
It swept with his girlfriend
Take away its brooms.
