Wife Jokes

Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?

It's a bouqet of forget-me-knots.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket?

I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

What did my wife say to me?

I want a divorce

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?

He liked to chop and change!

Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

Because they finish each other's sentences

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

What's the definition of a Polygamist?

Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What do you love most my natural beauty or my body?

Wife: Your sense of humor.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!

Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

Why do they call boats "she"?

Because the wives had to get on board somehow.

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Ughs and kisses!

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

Babe, it's a valve!

What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

Why did you name your son Tinnitus?

I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.

How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend?

Explaining his wife.

Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion?

He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".

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How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge?

Tequila

When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?

When I do her hair: "How about a hat "

What is a traitor?

A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

Why were the 2 in love melons upset?

Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)

What happens if you sing country music backwards?

You get your job and your wife back.

What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?

Recalculating route.

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

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Kid Jokes More Kid Jokes

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

What did the science teacher say when the kid was experimenting with magnets?

May the force be with you

Shoot Jokes More Shoot Jokes

What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster?

A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

Judge Jokes More Judge Jokes

Why did the judge throw out Bram Stoker's lawsuit?

His accusations weren't backed up by vampirical evidence

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?

Odor Odor in the court!!!

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

What is the difference between 1 Gb and 2 Gb?

Student - Well, I don't know. I guess one is a bit too high?

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?

When your nose touches the ceiling!

Gut Jokes More Gut Jokes

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he had no guts.

Why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff?

Because it had no guts.

Ball Jokes More Ball Jokes

Why did the dog keep dropping his ball?

He had barkinsons disease.

Why is a pool table green?

Well you'd be green too if someone racked your balls.

Door Jokes More Door Jokes

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?

Someone who knocks on your door at 6 a.m. for no reason.

What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors?

Monk key

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What do you tell a slow tomato?

What Ketchup

How can you tell if there is a pilot in the room?

He will tell you.