Wife Jokes

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

What was the engineer's reaction to his wife being too heavy?

Cantilever? (can't I leave her)

What do you throw a drowning Mexican?

His wife and kids.

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Why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to!

Why is dog man's best friend?

They keep the mailman away from his wife

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

Why doesn't Kanye West take his wife to the beach?

Because he is afraid tidal wave will take her away from him.

How did Mr Cheese paint his wife?

He Double Gloucester.

Who did Alaska vote for?

Berrrnie Sanders H/T: wife

What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date?

Netflix and chill.

How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?

You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...

What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one

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Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

What happens when you sing a country music song backwards?

You get your wife, truck, and land back.

Why was the Robot angry at the engineer?

Because he screwed his wife!

Why did my wife cross the road?

To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the building?

Te-quil-a

What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches?

Visa or Mastercard?

Why did the janitor file for a divorce?

He found his wife sweeping with someone else.

What are you doing tonight?

Your wife.

What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men?

Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

What mammal dies after it mates?

Anyone that goes near my wife!

What is the definision of mixed feelings?

When your wife says that you have the largest in your street.

Why did Santa want a divorce?

His wife made sure he only came once a year.

Where is your wife?

In the garden. -But I don't see her. -Oh, you just have to dig a little.

What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room?

You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

Why don't you buy your wife a watch?

There's already a clock on the stove

What is headache?

5 minutes talk to wife.

How is your job and your wife different?

I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done

What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?

Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again.

What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!

What Did The Dying Gambler Say To His Wife?

10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank

What did the French chef give his wife on Valentine's Day?

A hug and a little quiche.

Which Spanish superhero has three wives?

Amor-Man

What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?

A widow

What is the difference between the deflate gate controversy and my wife?

Only one shows an interest in the balls.

Why didn't Oscar Pistorius get a new bathroom door?

Because his wife was dead-set against it...

What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

What do Godot and my wife have in common?

Both are French.

What makes a grown man cry?

Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

What did the pig say when his wife left him?

Don't go bacon my heart

What's the difference between a gun and a wife?

You can silence a gun.

What did Goku say when he heard his wife listening to the song, "Fancy"?

Aye, Chi-Chi, Why?

How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends?

Meet Patty

Why do presidents have unsatisfied wives?

It takes four years to get an election.

What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?

Did you try turning me off and on again?

What did the bee say to his wife?

No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.

How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife?

Engage.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

What type of wife always knows where her husband is?

A widow

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

My girlfriend knows about my wife.

What's white and washes your socks?

Your wife.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

50 pounds.

How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

What happened to the baseball played who was unfaithful to his wife?

He was thrown out at home. - His two balls got a strike.

What candy do you give your wife before you get married?

Pre-nup brittle.

Who would you save first?

Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?

Talk in your sleep.

What happens if you play a country song backward?

You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker?

Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.

What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife?

Thanks for the mammaries.

Why did the Sheikh cross the road?

To get to the other wife.

What is the punishment for bigamy?

Two wives.

What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common?

The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

How did the sad clown smile and laugh again?

They told him his wife died recently.

What's this for?

He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

What do you get if you play a C&amp?

W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

How's the wife?

Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next

Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline?

And when did my wife start smoking

What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just...sobbing...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels

Why do husbands typically die before their wives?

They want to.

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife?

He was gladiator

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