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Bed Jokes

What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?

A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!

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Why is Gandalf so good in bed?

Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

What do Australians say when they go to bed?

G'night mate

What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

An under cover cop.

Why was the Police Officer still in bed?

Because he was.

Why does the nudist always go to bed early?

Because he never sleeps in much!

How does an Alabama girl know shes in for a crazy night?

Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.

What's long and hard every time you wake up?

Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

Why do lobsters make bad lovers?

They're shellfish in bed.

Which place has the strongest gravity in the whole universe?

Bed

Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

So he wouldn't talk in his sleep

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What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed?

Hi sugar

What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed?

Holy Sheet!

Why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed?

He wanted to feed his nightmares.

What does Green Day say before bed?

Green night

Why is China so politically in bed with Africa?

Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world

When do terrorists go to bed?

9:11 PM

What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl?

Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)

Why did the Italian get thrown out of the hotel?

He said "I wanna two sheet onna the bed".

What is a long distance love?

It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed?

So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.

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What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?

You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.

What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?

He said "Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould"

When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?

Velrow

Why did the spy stay in bed?

To stay under cover

What's his name?

A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will

Why did the hipster go to bed early?

Because he sleeps before it gets cool.

What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!

Why was Stalin a Bad leader?

Because he was staling a country that was rushing..(Russia) This joke was bad. Im going to bed now.

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What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

What does a Japanese chef shout in bed?

Ooo mami! (Umami)

Where is Jennifer's husband?

Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:

What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?

A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.

Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom and oysters in your bed.

What does a psychologist wear to bed?

A Freudian slip.

How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?

She kept wetting the bed.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?

Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.

What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

Aw sheet! One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!

How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?

Piece of cake

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?

Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?

He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.

Why is the letter E lazy?

Because it's always in bed.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?

Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheeeeeettttt!

What's long and hard?

The sock under my bed.

What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

What came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

Take away their beds...

How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

When the big hand touches the little hand

What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?

Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!

Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?

Because they always want to be right.

Why Do Republican Couples Keep A Copy Of Ronald Reagan's Biography Next To Their Bed?

So that it can be used as an

What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting out of the bed!

How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed?

By the "M" on his pajamas.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe!

What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed?

Keep it up!

When does a bed grow longer?

At night, because two feet are added to it.

What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.

Why are rivers lazy?

Because they never get off their beds.

What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.

Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains!

Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

To see how long he slept.

Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving?

All the coats are on the bed!

What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?

It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.

When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?

Instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?

A horse!

What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

Why are woman's feet always so cold in bed?

Because they have no soles. Joke my fiancee just said to me.

Why did the little boy throw the linen off the bed when he saw a ghost?

He was scared sheetless.

Why was the lizard nervous in bed?

He had reptile dysfuncton

Who's there! Bed! Bed who?

Bed you can't guess who I am!

What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream?

The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)

Where can you find Jhene Aiko at Bed Peace?

At bed, blunt, and beyond. Bada tssss. I tried.

Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed?

He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.

How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?

No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.

What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed?

I Duggar.

How sick are you?

Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister

Why did the blond take a ruler to bed?

To see how long she slept.

What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?

Amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac

What did the bed say to the sleepy man?

I want you inside me

What animals do you bring to bed?

Your calves.

Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?

The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do you get a woman from to be, to bed?

Give her the D.

How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?

She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!

What's the difference between my bed and my imagination?

You aren't naked in my bed.

Why did the bear run around his bed?

He wanted to catch up on his sleep.

Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

He was undercover *!*

What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

How do Australians sleep?

With their heads at the foot of the bed.

Why do men get erections while they sleep?

So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.

How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

Why was the policeman in bed?

Because he was an undercover cop

Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?

Because he sleeps on a waterbed!

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Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...

Why did the little pig hide the soap?

He heard the farmer yell "Hogwash!"

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What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?

A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!

Why does the army want to only recruit married men?

Because they don't want a man lost!

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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

Because 36 would be too many.

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What will you do with a million watermelons?

I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money.

How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million?

Walk in with $2 Million.

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What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

Why do toucans only go camping in pairs?

So they can bring two canopies.

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Why are foodfights forbidden in Japanese schools?

The children always end up with lice in their hair.

Where do children learn their ABC's?

At LMN-tary school!

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Why is the fridge shaking so much?

It's running just fine. Probrably because it's so turned on!

What happens when Kim Jong-Un gets sick?

He turns into Kim Jong-ill!

Try Jokes More Try Jokes

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop?

She was trying to find the lowest prices