Jesus Jokes

What was Jesus never thankful for?

Fridays.

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Why didn't Jesus' business break even?

It wasn't making enough prophet

Why is Jesus so rich?

Because Jesus saves.

Which woman has Jesus as a nephew?

The Auntie Christ.

What's the big deal about Jesus turning water into wine?

I turned MY student loans into vodka...

What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?

He was cross.

How did Jesus stay in such good shape?

Cross fit.

What is Jesus' favourite dessert?

Propheteroles

Why doesn't Jesus like M&ampM's?

Because they fall through his hands.

What do you think Jesus' favorite gun would be?

A nail gun

What strengths do you bring to the job?

Long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

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Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

What do your mom and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

You only need a nail to hang a painting.

What did Jesus say to the flock of sheep?

I herd that.

What was Jesus' favorite sport?

Crossfitting.

Why did Jesus go to the gym?

To make sure his cross fit.

What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?

Chjesus Chrust *Thanks I will show myself out*

Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?

Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)

Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

Because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

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What did God say to Jesus?

This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

A manual.

Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

Spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.

What was Jesus doing on Holy Saturday?

Just chilling.

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What version of windows does Jesus use?

XP Edit: Explanation(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChiRho)

Why are churches never broke?

Because Jesus saves.

Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?

He always gets stuck on across.

How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb?

X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key.

What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?

A cross walk

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

How does Jesus like his hotwings?

Tinder and Mild.

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)

Why did the foot smile?

He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

How did Jesus get so fit?

He did lots of cross fit

Why wasn't Jesus any good at math?

Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.

What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait?

His portrait only need one nail

Why does Jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

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Frame Jokes More Frame Jokes

What did the painting on the wall say to the cop?

I've been framed!

Why did the picture plead innocent at the trial?

It was framed.

Carpenter Jokes More Carpenter Jokes

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

Real Life Jokes More Real Life Jokes

Why do console gamers use their in game names in real life?

They haven't got anti-aliasing.

What next?

Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life.

Body Jokes More Body Jokes

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human

Jesus Christ Jokes More Jesus Christ Jokes

Why dosn't Jesus Christ play hockey?

Because he'd always get nailed into the boards

Why is Jesus always sad?

Because Jesus Christ (Cries)

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

How do you win the vegetable race?

You need to get ahead of lettuce

What do you need to drink out of a fruit?

A STRAWberry....I'll go...

Imagination Jokes More Imagination Jokes

Whats the odd one out?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

What is that thing called when your crush likes you back?

Imagination.

Day Jokes More Day Jokes

What did the mime say to the wall?

Tough getting by these days.

What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!