Jesus Jokes

Why did Jesus leave the dance floor?

Because it was Hammertime'

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What kind of bike does hipster Jesus ride?

A Cruci-fixie.

Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?

Because they fall through his hands.

What were Jesus' final words?

So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

What's brownish and runs on oil?

Jesus in a hurry.

How do you know Jesus loves Japanese food?

Because he said he loves miso.

Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.

How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?

He was cross.

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

What did the Mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?

I've cleaned up and found Jesus.

What is Jesus' favorite workout?

Pontius Pilates

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Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?

Because he only had 12 followers.

Why doesn't Jesus play basketball?

He got crossed up.

Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?

He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.

Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?

She heard about his second coming

Why did Jesus get a ticket?

He tried to skip the Cross walk.

What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man?

Made you look!

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?

OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.

What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?

At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS" At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"

What did Jesus do to lose weight?

Crossfit

Why did Jesus get all the ladies?

Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)

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What did Jesus say to Mohammed...?

What did Jesus say to Mohammed 'I died for you' What did Mohammed say in return 'How many did you take with you '

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

Why dosn't Jesus Christ play hockey?

Because he'd always get nailed into the boards

How did Jesus pay for our sins?

Pray-Pal

What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus?

This is my body, I'm nice with jam.

Why did Jesus run off the airplane?

He didn't like the Pilate

What is Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun!

Why is Jesus' body bread?

Because given enough time it rises

What do Hispanic parents say to teach their son to drive?

Jesus, take the wheel!

Why couldn't Jesus waterski?

Because he never existed.

What do you call a penny with Jesus on it?

J.C. Penny

Why is the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of Pasta?

Because "made of bread" was already taken by Jesus.

What gym equipment does Jesus use?

A cross trainer.

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg?

Cause they had a weigh in the manger.

What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry?

When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!

What did Jesus say when he made his return?

Hey guys! What's goin on Tweet my return! #JesusReturns

How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3.?

4. Prophet.

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

What was Jesus never thankful for?

Fridays.

What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after?

A one night stand with Jesus

Why didn't Jesus' business break even?

It wasn't making enough prophet

Why is Jesus so rich?

Because Jesus saves.

Which woman has Jesus as a nephew?

The Auntie Christ.

What do 12 year old Mexican girls and born-again christians have in common?

They both have a little Jesus in 'em...

What type of board will you be riding?

Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards

What's the big deal about Jesus turning water into wine?

I turned MY student loans into vodka...

What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?

He was cross.

How did Jesus stay in such good shape?

Cross fit.

What is Jesus' favourite dessert?

Propheteroles

Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

Because he has holes in his hands

Why doesn't Jesus like M&ampM's?

Because they fall through his hands.

What do you think Jesus' favorite gun would be?

A nail gun

What strengths do you bring to the job?

Long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

Why can't Jesus play Football?

He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal

Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

What do your mom and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

You only need a nail to hang a painting.

How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?

Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice I don't bereave you."

What did Jesus say to the flock of sheep?

I herd that.

What was Jesus' favorite sport?

Crossfitting.

Why did Jesus go to the gym?

To make sure his cross fit.

What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?

Chjesus Chrust *Thanks I will show myself out*

Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?

Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)

Why Do Women Love Jesus?

He was well hung and super into cross fitting!

Why do Mexicans keep naming their child Jesus?

Jesus wasn't Mexican. He was human.

Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

Because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

What did God say to Jesus?

This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.

What would Jesus actually do?

Probably ban nail guns

Why didn't Jesus cross the road?

Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

A manual.

What other miracles can you do?

Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish ' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?

Nailed it

Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

Spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.

What would you call Jesus if he was born in Mexico?

The Chosen Juan.

What was Jesus doing on Holy Saturday?

Just chilling.

What do Jesus and girls have in common?

The expression on their faces when they got nailed.

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What did Michael Fox bring to baby Jesus?

Parkincense.

What version of windows does Jesus use?

XP Edit: Explanation(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChiRho)

Why are churches never broke?

Because Jesus saves.

Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?

He always gets stuck on across.

How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb?

X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key.

What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?

A cross walk

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

How does Jesus like his hotwings?

Tinder and Mild.

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)

Why did the foot smile?

He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game?

He got suspended.

How did Jesus get so fit?

He did lots of cross fit

Why wasn't Jesus any good at math?

Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.

What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait?

His portrait only need one nail

Why does Jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

What do Jesus and my high school girlfriend have in common?

They both bled for me.

Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

What do you call a statue of Jesus made out of cigarettes?

Holy smokes.

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Lady Jokes More Lady Jokes

Why did the lady stare at the orange juice?

Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!

What do you say to a lady that has to make 100 shirts by tomorrow?

You seamstressed

Frame Jokes More Frame Jokes

What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?

I've been framed.

Why did the console player get sick in the art gallery?

There were too many frames.

Tattoo Jokes More Tattoo Jokes

Why can you only date girls named Ana?

Because I got a tattoo that says Ana

What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer?

A Tattoo.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

How many fingers do I have up?

A gynecologist who thinks he's really funny

What if earth rotates 30 times faster?

Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?" engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently

Cross Jokes More Cross Jokes

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?

A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.

How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming?

SPLAT!!! He didn't.

Hang Jokes More Hang Jokes

Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?

I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar

What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

Bunch Jokes More Bunch Jokes

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?

Prom

How do you keep a bunch of redditors in suspense?

I'll post the punchline later.

Love Jokes More Love Jokes

Why the rabbits love Selena Gomez?

Im farting carrots, im farting carrots...

What do you call cute seeds?

Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds P.S. it's my birthday please love me