Want Jokes

Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?

He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.

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Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?

I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!

What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy

Why does the Fonz dress up as an insect when going on a journey?

Because he wants to get from ayy to bee.

What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?

Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

Where do you want me to put my clothes?

She says, "On top of mine."

Why is Waldo always wearing striped clothing?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women?

He wanted a Czech mate.

Why did you drop the baby?

Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.

What did the slave master say to his slaves when they didn't want to make shoes anymore?

Just Do It

What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons?

Harambae

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How many tickles does a Japanese school girl want?

Tentickles.

Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer?

Black Red or Iced Iced Ink Well yes you do but I didn't want to mention it.

Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?

He wanted to have webbed feet.

Why did the bees go on strike?

Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!

Why did Mitt Romney feed his cows money?

He wanted rich milk.

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

What did you do before you were married sir?

*with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do...

How 'done' do you want your burger?

I can do "well-done" all the way to "CPR might actually work."

Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?

What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "

Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic?

He wanted to get his Car tuned

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?

Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.

Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares?

He wanted to check his e-mail.

Why don't emus ever finish all the food on their plates?

They don't want to be ostrich-sized!

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.

What did my wife say to me?

I want a divorce

Where do you want to go?

So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again.

Why was the fish swimming backwards?

It didn't want to get water in its eyes.

Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar?

He wanted to take a month off.

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Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay?

Because it was a freight!

Why did the burglar take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway

How many psychiatrists does it......take to change a light bulb?

0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.

What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?

Me: 1) You-- 10YO: Seriously Why would you drag me into that

What do you want for dinner?

4: A bucket.. *Googles better school districts

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?

He wanted to see the floor show!

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?

Push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was More ER Tea.

What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL?

Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.

Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

Because they don't want the siren to die.

What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police?

A small medium at large.

Why did the sailboat start exercising?

It wanted to get into ship-shape. HA!

What joke is the darkest?

Fire away please! I want to hear it all!

What would you like for your last meal?

Woman: "I don't know, what do you want "

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

He wanted to find Pluto!

Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?

She wanted to be a nurse.

What did the toaster say to the bread?

I want you inside me.

Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair?

She wanted to rock and roll

When does a horse neigh?

Whinny wants to!

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?

They always want to play leap frog with him

Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

He didn't want to taco 'bout it

What's the 4th grade essay in the Detroit School District?

What I want to be *if* I grow up.

Who never wants to be drawn at a raffle?

Mohammed

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?

He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Why did the sheep jump into the lake?

He wanted to take a ba-a-a-th.

What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it?

A stool sample.

Why did the burgler take a bath?

He wanted to have a 'clean getaway'.

What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding?

Cantelope

Why did Mubarak and Gaddafi get dehydrated?

They didn't want water from the Arab Spring.

What's the different between E.T. and a refugee?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home

Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?

Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

What does Garry Newman want to be when he grows up?

Garry Oldman.

Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers?

He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. back to work...

What do you want to be when you graduate high school?

No more than 25" from Gary Muledeer

Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted?

Diversion Mary

Why did the girl sit on her watch?

She wanted to be on time.

Why'd the crazy guy jump out of the hot air balloon's basket?

He wanted to escape from the ballooney bin.

What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?

Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.

Why did the bully go to beauty school?

She wanted to tease hair

Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

What did C say to E?

She wants the D.

What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?

Because he wanted to look mptnt

What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

Watson the menu

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

What do crack addicts sing while caroling?

All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!

What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

Look ma, no hands!

How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy?

There's some things I've licked that I don't want.

What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?

Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.

Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons?

Because it wanted autumnomy

What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white

What does a girl want more than anything?

Nothing. She is fine.

What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people?

An icebreaker

Why did Batman fill his freezer with water bottles?

Because he wanted just ice.

What do you call it when an Eevee (Pokemon) evolves into what you want with no interruptions?

DirecTV (Say it aloud)

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What are your expectations?

Me: Job. Interviewer: I mean what do you want from this job Me: Salary

Why did the balloon go near the needle?

Why did the balloon go near the needle He wanted to be a pop star.

Why did the Yield Sign want to divorce the Stop Sign?

He caught her in a 4-way

Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?

She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast

What does DJ Kahled say when he wants another taco?

Another, Juan

What do little pigs want to be when they grow up?

Garbage collectors.

Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?

Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

What does Stevie Wonder call his money?

Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend

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Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

Why did Spock dump his wife?

Because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?

A snowmobile!

Peace Jokes More Peace Jokes

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick with me man... We'll go places. Peace. Hmath out.

What did the BMW say to the Audi on the side of the road?

Rust-in-peace.

Grave Jokes More Grave Jokes

How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday?

By putting flowers on the grave.

How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday?

They bring flowers to his grave.

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

How many babies does it take to stop a puck?

Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop.

Fridge Jokes More Fridge Jokes

What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge?

One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.

Whats white blue and rectangular?

A fridge with a denim jacket on.

Share Jokes More Share Jokes

Who will I share the sunset with now?

Sobs* Friend: Bad breakup Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.

What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

Hearing AIDS.

Sea Jokes More Sea Jokes

What do you call ten sets of bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?

A start.

What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?

Long time no sea.

Time Machine Jokes More Time Machine Jokes

What do we want now!?

When do we want 'em? Time machines!

Why do time machines make you happy?

They're an anti de-present.