Eye Jokes

Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

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What Did One Eye Say To Another Eye?

Don't Look Now But Something Between Us Smells

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no ideer.

What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game?

I'll keep an eye out for you!

What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eye?

Chicken Caesar salad.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Dinner

What has one eye but can't see?

A blind man...

What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly?

A dead bird.

What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk?

A dead bird.

Why do Pokmon have eyes?

So they can Pikachu

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How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

By tying a knot on its tail.

Why did the blind couple get divorced?

They couldn't see eye to eye

Why did the teacher have trouble controlling her pupils?

She was cross eyed.

What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?

Two pirates

Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

To see how she looks like when sleeping.

Why did the teacher cross her eyes?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the kittens turn atheist?

Coz their eyes opened.

Why did the tear testify in court?

Because he was an eye wetness.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

What do you call a deer missing an eye?

No-eye deer.

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What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved?

Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....

What's red and silver and bumps in to walls?

A baby with forks in it's eyes.

What's green and bad for your eyes?

An alligator.

What do you call a deer with flashlights for eyes?

A bright eye deer.

What does a hillbilly farmer call a deer with no eyes?

Noeyedeer (Say it out loud)

What color were eyes of the Astronaut on the Challenger when it exploded?

Blue. One blue this way ---- and the other blue that way -----

What makes a grown man cry?

Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

What has six eyes but can't see?

Three blind mice.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Why do hunters close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't see if they close both.

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

Fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)

Why did the pirate with the eye patch drown?

Because he had no depth perception.

How do you know if someone is half texan and half Canadian?

It rhymes when they say. "Keep at eye out for a coyote."

Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk?

Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)

What did the donuts do on their date?

They glazed into each other's eyes

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What did the Chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes?

I have no Idea.

What did Charlie Bucket say when Willie Wonka peed on him?

I've got a golden tinkle in my eye...

What do you call a deer without eyes?

No-eye deer! Note: we are from Hicksville, USA. This May not make sense without the Midwestern accent.

What do you call a three-legged donkey?

A wonkey. What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye? A winky-wonkey.

What eye cannot see, cannot blink and is bleeding?

The browneye. You'll have to guess why its bleeding.

Why does a VC always enter a room backwards?

To keep an eye on the exit

What colour are my eyes?

Guy: 34C.

Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?

Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Boneless chicken

How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk?

When it's past your eyes.

Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math?

Because cot(0) doesn't exist... This joke... it burns my eyes...

What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye?

A snooker table

Where's the cake?

Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

What do you call a deer without an eye?

No idear.

What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called?

Hurricanes with cataracts

Why do Pokemon have eyes?

So they can Pikachu

When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear?

You Blink Your Eyes.

How do hurricanes see?

With one eye

Why are you always tired, Dad?

My 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?

Shine a torch in her ear!

What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humour.

What do you call a cow with no eyes?

A cow.

How'd you sleep last night?

Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?

Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fish!

Why are spectators so happy with their jobs?

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Why are your eyes red?

Are you high! flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over me: Yes

What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?

I only have eyes for ewe, dear

How can you identify an Irish pirate?

He's the one with patches over both eyes.

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.

What did the barber say to the Potato?

You've got eyes on the back of your head!

How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

Why am I not asleep?

He thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Why is it hard to buy potatoes on the black market?

Because there are eyes everywhere!

Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator?

He didn't want to see the salad dressing.

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A Fsh

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

Why were the teachers eyes so crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

Bull dozer

How do government employees wink when they're at work?

They briefly open one eye.

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?

Nigeria.

Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm?

The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.

What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs?

Two chickens and a goat.

Why do my eyes hurt?

Because I got eye lashes.

Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?

Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

What do rodents say when they play bingo?

Eyes down for a full mouse'!

Why can't two blind people get along?

They can't see eye to eye.

Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?

Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?

A man holding an aardvark.

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?

I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes... A FSHHH

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A FSSSSSHHHH

Why do liberals travel in threes?

One to read one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

What do you call a deer with no eyes that isn't moving?

Still no idea.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop everyone applauds...w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer

What do you prefer, honey?

A smart woman or a beautiful woman -Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you

How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?

With their eyes shut!

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

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